Firstly, I can't really remember what happened in last week's session - which just goes to show that I should blog them immediately.
Secondly, I was given homework. I was told to think about the different coping mechanisms I used to use. I'm not sure what we're going to do with them, but here are the things I've remembered:-
- Focusing on the next thing to look forward to, for example visiting Mummy or Beffy, or having the cousins to visit.
- Sometimes cuddling my large doll when I needed to hug.
- I learnt to cry silently.
- I used to rearrange my bedroom furniture frequently. This may have been a way to feel control.
- I used to rearrange my wardrobe and bookshelves frequently. Wardrobe by colour, clothing type even the length of the clothing. And bookshelves by book height, book colour, or authors name.
- I used to hoard wrappers and bits of rubbish up my chimney, because I couldn't bare thinking of rejecting them.
- Similarly, I couldn't cope with balloons going down. I'd keep them inflated as long as possible, taping up holes as they started to degrade. I still can't deal with balloons.
- When going to school as a teen I'd leave the house at 7:05am to avoid morning encounters with family members. Then walk dogs until 6pm after school.
- For some time - I don't remember for how long - I ate as little as possible. I don't remember what my thinking was behind it. I used to pour the milk from my dad's breakfast bowl into another bowl to look like I'd had breakfast. I saved my lunch money. Then gave various excuses to either skip or reduce my meals.
- Some of the things I wasn't allowed to do have become things that I never want to do, which I think is my brain pretending that these things were my decisions.
- I wrote fictitious diaries for characters I invented, disappearing mentally into their worlds, absorbed in writing and creating them.
- Writing stories in general.
- Writing poetry.
- I left some projects unfinished, I think because then I couldn't be told I'd done a crap job of them. They tended to be things my step mum knew I was working on. The projects I did for myself I finished.
- A teacher at college pointed out (to the entire class) that I wore dowdy unremarkable clothing, which she said could be psychologically seen as trying to hide.
- I threw myself into church and YMCA projects. My parents and James did at least drive me around a lot for these.
- I used to listen to music very loudly to drown out my feelings, and the thoughts on my head.
- I had up to 30 correspondents at one point. Perhaps this was another way to disappear from reality. I tried to list them while going to sleep, the other day; doing so was more attentive than counting sheep!
- I think maybe I didn't try very hard with school work, just doing enough to get through, because I knew that if I put my best in I'd be told it wasn't good enough anyway.
- As a teenager I spent as much time as I could with friends, preferably at their houses. Making this list is quite scarily making me experience the same feelings of needing them, that I did back then.
- Looking back it seems like I didn't notice when people didn't treat me with the same respect or kindness that I gave them. It's as if I was choosing to not see it.
- I used to bite myself and hit myself when really upset or frustrated. This still happens when I'm really wound up.
- I got used to recognising the sound of each person in the house, how they walked up the stairs, how they arrived at the front door, or pulled their car on to the drive. I thought it was normal until discussing it with other people.
- I learnt how to hide from people, in plain sight. I found that closed eyes were less likely to be seen than open eyes, and that people don't look at ground level, so sitting down hid you really quickly.
- I learnt exactly where to tread on the floor and stairs in order to move around the house silently.
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