Un mème!

Nourriture Pour La Pensée

Well, today's therapy session was certainly more productive than the last one. I wasn't quite as all over the place.

We talked mostly about my previous blog post titled "J'ai peur". Mr Therapist's impression is that it's probably sleep paralysis. He explained that sleep paralysis is whereby the body is still sleeping but the brain is waking or has woken up. The body waking and the mind waking are two separate functions. They usually happen in tandem, but sometimes slip up. 

People who experience sleep paralysis often see, feel, or hear things that would have been part of a dream. This reminded me that when I was 20 I experienced an episode of sleep paralysis in which there was a massive floating black cloud that pinned me to the bed and throttled me. I thought it was a demon. I now understand what actually happened.

It makes me sad though, that when I experience this, my first thought is that I'm in Solihull, followed quickly by the knowledge that I'm not, so trying to work out where I actually am. Why Solihull? Because I miss Mr Flibbles? Because I miss Rufus? Or Mitten. Tinker. Tigger. Because I miss the smell of oak woodland through the balcony doors in the autumn? Because I want to rewind time and change everything that's happened since... X marks the spot? I kind of feel like maybe I am actually asleep in Solihull, and all of this has been a dream. Or nightmare. How have I made such a bloody mess?

Anyways, the solution is that next time it happens I'm going to try and open my eyes instead of trying to work out where I am. If I can open them, it's less likely to be sleep paralysis.

However, I then remembered that it happens while I'm watching TV sometimes. So after a little discussion I pondered whether there may be two separate things happening. Mr Therapist said that what happens when I'm awake sounds like a very mild form of dissociation, but explained that dissociation doesn't necessarily indicate any kind of mental illness. Day dreaming is a form of dissociation.

I've never been able to day dream. I didn't really understand what it was. The likelihood is that I've been constantly on high alert, so have never really relaxed my mind enough to day dream. So, when I'm becoming so absorbed in the TV that my current narrative confuses me, it's probably that I'm starting to relax at last. Thinking about it, I've seen that happen to my dad. 

Mr Therapist has noticed that I seem to always be trying to find things wrong with myself. He didn't say "hypochondriac", but I think that's what he was hinting at. He's wondering whether that could be because of my step mother instilling in me that there was something wrong with me from a very young age, only never told me what it was, so I'm perpetually searching for it. So I guess when I'm having thoughts about illnesses, I need to consciously tell her to feck off.

It's fairly normal for people with M.E. to try and find alternative diagnoses. Being labelled with an illness that no one understands, and no one wants to treat, is a heavy, complicated, and unwanted burden. The answer is to make the most of life as it is, rather than hoping to change it. Much easier said than done though.

My mind!

A painting by Julia Spiri

J'ai Peur

I'm starting to get really scared by my brain. I feel like I'm developing dementia.

For many years I've sometimes had trouble orienting myself when I wake up. I wake up, eyes closed, and realise that I don't know where I am. I think that the first thing I realise is that I can't remember where the door is. Then I realise that I can't remember which part of my life I'm in, so I'm not sure which house I'm living in, which is why I can't locate the door. I don't dare open my eyes until I've actually remembered where I am - don't ask me why, it seems to just be part of the whole thing. Sometimes I can't pin down how old I am, or what my name is, both things that would help me figure out where I am (in time and space, as well as just finding the door). 

It's mostly only the houses I've lived in in Norfolk and Solihull that are in my mind when this happens. My mind sort of pictures a diagram of the room, looks at the location of the doors on the diagram, and assesses whether that feels right for where I am now. 

Sometimes I know where the door actually is, but I can't remember a house in which that fits. 

When this first started happening it used to really panic me. However, I'm so used to it now that my brain tells me "it's just this again", and I go through the motions of trying to figure out where I am. On occasion I've been so unable to figure it out, that I've fallen asleep again. I suppose, as sleep is my go to occupation when I'm stressed, that's not really surprising.

I used to experience something similar when I was a child. I'd been taken from my mother, been through foster homes, spent time staying with grand parents, and once I was settled with my dad and step mother we moved house twice, and often went to stay with family friends. Moving around so much in a short space of time, I think, confused my brain. I forgot what to expect when I woke up. I remember waking up, seeing the wallpaper, and asking myself whose house has wallpaper like that. I remember crying for Mummy because I didn't know where I was - whichever adult came to see what was wrong told me I was being silly. 

I've tried to talk to people about this, but they've said it's normal. It's not. Some have suggested that it's similar to the hypnopompic experiences that some people have upon waking up. I'm not hallucinating, however. I'm not in a waking dream. But I can understand that it does sound like it could be my brain waking up slowly. 

However, I've started experiencing it recently when I've been watching TV or using my phone. I may have been watching something on TV, when one of the cats jumps up on the bed or someone walks into the room; my brain panics because it can't register what is going on. Looking away from the TV, I don't recognise my surroundings, don't remember the cats (OMG), can't remember who I am. It's as if whatever I'm watching has filled my head so much that it's pushed everything else out. 

It's rather more concerning that the same thing has occasionally happened when I'm using my phone. I don't use my phone for many things, mostly Facebook marketplace, and DuoLingo. Neither are things that I particularly want to fill the void inside my cranium.

I don't know what's causing these experiences. They're making me feel totally lost. I am wondering whether this is what people call "dissociation". If it is, then it's not actually that uncommon, but I feel really bad for everyone who experiences it. I hate it.

C'est moi, endormi.