For many years I've sometimes had trouble orienting myself when I wake up. I wake up, eyes closed, and realise that I don't know where I am. I think that the first thing I realise is that I can't remember where the door is. Then I realise that I can't remember which part of my life I'm in, so I'm not sure which house I'm living in, which is why I can't locate the door. I don't dare open my eyes until I've actually remembered where I am - don't ask me why, it seems to just be part of the whole thing. Sometimes I can't pin down how old I am, or what my name is, both things that would help me figure out where I am (in time and space, as well as just finding the door).
It's mostly only the houses I've lived in in Norfolk and Solihull that are in my mind when this happens. My mind sort of pictures a diagram of the room, looks at the location of the doors on the diagram, and assesses whether that feels right for where I am now.
Sometimes I know where the door actually is, but I can't remember a house in which that fits.
When this first started happening it used to really panic me. However, I'm so used to it now that my brain tells me "it's just this again", and I go through the motions of trying to figure out where I am. On occasion I've been so unable to figure it out, that I've fallen asleep again. I suppose, as sleep is my go to occupation when I'm stressed, that's not really surprising.
I used to experience something similar when I was a child. I'd been taken from my mother, been through foster homes, spent time staying with grand parents, and once I was settled with my dad and step mother we moved house twice, and often went to stay with family friends. Moving around so much in a short space of time, I think, confused my brain. I forgot what to expect when I woke up. I remember waking up, seeing the wallpaper, and asking myself whose house has wallpaper like that. I remember crying for Mummy because I didn't know where I was - whichever adult came to see what was wrong told me I was being silly.
I've tried to talk to people about this, but they've said it's normal. It's not. Some have suggested that it's similar to the hypnopompic experiences that some people have upon waking up. I'm not hallucinating, however. I'm not in a waking dream. But I can understand that it does sound like it could be my brain waking up slowly.
However, I've started experiencing it recently when I've been watching TV or using my phone. I may have been watching something on TV, when one of the cats jumps up on the bed or someone walks into the room; my brain panics because it can't register what is going on. Looking away from the TV, I don't recognise my surroundings, don't remember the cats (OMG), can't remember who I am. It's as if whatever I'm watching has filled my head so much that it's pushed everything else out.
It's rather more concerning that the same thing has occasionally happened when I'm using my phone. I don't use my phone for many things, mostly Facebook marketplace, and DuoLingo. Neither are things that I particularly want to fill the void inside my cranium.
I don't know what's causing these experiences. They're making me feel totally lost. I am wondering whether this is what people call "dissociation". If it is, then it's not actually that uncommon, but I feel really bad for everyone who experiences it. I hate it.
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