We talked mostly about my previous blog post titled "J'ai peur". Mr Therapist's impression is that it's probably sleep paralysis. He explained that sleep paralysis is whereby the body is still sleeping but the brain is waking or has woken up. The body waking and the mind waking are two separate functions. They usually happen in tandem, but sometimes slip up.
People who experience sleep paralysis often see, feel, or hear things that would have been part of a dream. This reminded me that when I was 20 I experienced an episode of sleep paralysis in which there was a massive floating black cloud that pinned me to the bed and throttled me. I thought it was a demon. I now understand what actually happened.
It makes me sad though, that when I experience this, my first thought is that I'm in Solihull, followed quickly by the knowledge that I'm not, so trying to work out where I actually am. Why Solihull? Because I miss Mr Flibbles? Because I miss Rufus? Or Mitten. Tinker. Tigger. Because I miss the smell of oak woodland through the balcony doors in the autumn? Because I want to rewind time and change everything that's happened since... X marks the spot? I kind of feel like maybe I am actually asleep in Solihull, and all of this has been a dream. Or nightmare. How have I made such a bloody mess?
Anyways, the solution is that next time it happens I'm going to try and open my eyes instead of trying to work out where I am. If I can open them, it's less likely to be sleep paralysis.
However, I then remembered that it happens while I'm watching TV sometimes. So after a little discussion I pondered whether there may be two separate things happening. Mr Therapist said that what happens when I'm awake sounds like a very mild form of dissociation, but explained that dissociation doesn't necessarily indicate any kind of mental illness. Day dreaming is a form of dissociation.
I've never been able to day dream. I didn't really understand what it was. The likelihood is that I've been constantly on high alert, so have never really relaxed my mind enough to day dream. So, when I'm becoming so absorbed in the TV that my current narrative confuses me, it's probably that I'm starting to relax at last. Thinking about it, I've seen that happen to my dad.
Mr Therapist has noticed that I seem to always be trying to find things wrong with myself. He didn't say "hypochondriac", but I think that's what he was hinting at. He's wondering whether that could be because of my step mother instilling in me that there was something wrong with me from a very young age, only never told me what it was, so I'm perpetually searching for it. So I guess when I'm having thoughts about illnesses, I need to consciously tell her to feck off.
It's fairly normal for people with M.E. to try and find alternative diagnoses. Being labelled with an illness that no one understands, and no one wants to treat, is a heavy, complicated, and unwanted burden. The answer is to make the most of life as it is, rather than hoping to change it. Much easier said than done though.
A painting by Julia Spiri
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