Passive Suicidal Ideation

I can't really write about most of today's therapy session. Mostly because I spent half the session having a meltdown over the subject we were trying to broach. Also because if I try to write about that subject I'll have another meltdown.

I learnt two things in that session though. Firstly, it became apparent that my memory has written off an entire year without me realising it. I can't really elaborate on that until we explore it further. Secondly, I experience "Passive Suicidal Ideation".

All. The. Time.

I had never heard of it before. This goes some way to highlighting how absolutely terrible mental health services are in the UK. I've seen NHS councillors. I've had counselling through MIND. I've had councillor with a mental health nurse for several years. I've seen a psychiatrist. None of them mentioned Passive Suicidal Ideation. Even when I was in suicide watch it didn't crop up.

Most people understand the notion of Suicidal Ideation meaning that someone wants to kill themselves. Passive Suicidal Ideation is basically wanting to be dead, but not wanting to do anything about it.

I'm not sure of my reason for not wanting to do anything about it. I usually tell professionals that it's because I don't want to cock it up and make life even worse for myself. That is true, but I don't think it's my whole reason. 

I've felt so strongly sometimes, that I want to be gone, that I've wished that someone else would just kill me. I've been through phases of walking the streets at night in dodgy places, in the hope that someone would get rid of me. I sometimes take stupid risks, or behave what would seem irresponsibly to people who don't understand. 

I can't say that life isn't worth living, because it is; if you have the brain chemistry for it! I've experienced genuine happiness a few times. Those times have made me so incredibly envious of anyone who experiences glimpses of happiness, joy, contentedness, most days. I just generally feel blank.

My current reason for not behaving so erratically is my cats. I genuinely love them, and feel responsible for their well being. There are 9 of them. It would be difficult to separate them into groups without breaking any bonds. I'm well aware that humans are selfish arseholes and wouldn't home them according to their needs, anyway. There's also the fact that they've been through a lot emotionally already. They're all very strongly bonded with me. I don't want to cause them another heartbreak. 

Maybe it sounds like excuses. Maybe that's what the mental health professionals I've talked to previously hear. I have often felt judged because my type of suicidal wasn't good enough for the professionals. Not real enough. They can't see it until someone is vomiting pills or slits their wrists.

For the record, I do know how I would end it if I decide to do it myself. But I won't write it here, because I don't want to give other people ideas.

I've felt this way for as long as I can remember though. I remember as a child holding my breath to see how long it took to die, trying to drown myself, holding a pillow over my head to see if it suffocated me.

I suppose that's actually active ideation though. I'm not sure when it became passive.

I can't speak for other people who experience it, but it really is something that is with me all of the time. When a professional asks how often I think about suicide they won't accept that as an answer though. It's always there - at the back of my mind - in thinking every day thoughts "when I die ..." or "when I'm dead ..." is constantly mixed in there. 

I'm often thinking about how I'd want my funeral to be, too. I usually dismiss myself though, as I don't really believe anyone will want one. No one really has any interest in me when I'm alive, so I don't see why they would when I die.

I've made sure I won't cost anything by donating my body to research. I'm utterly useless in life, so hopefully I'll be useful in death. 

Well, I'm totally rambling. I think you get the idea.