Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

I'm struggling with this. Tbh, a few days ago I genuinely didn't think I'd be here to write today's emotions, the day before my next therapy session. I wonder if therapy is supposed to actually get to be too much. It's making me feel like banging my head against a wall, pulling my hair out, running and running until I'm completely lost, like just escaping everything. It's making my head spin with thoughts I don't understand, repeated nonsense, and I desperately want peace. I want to escape the pain of my past, the memories, the reality, the way it affects me now. I always come back to the same conclusion though; the only way to actually do that, is to chop my head off. Merrily go on my way without my head.

And that, is where suicidal ideation comes from.

At the weekend the Mercenary Man told me that I'm one of only two people whom he genuinely feels is a friend. I'm glad he told me that, as it gives me a human reason to keep going. Not a guilt trip. I've not told him the crap my head is doing to me. Until now though, I've only had 9 reasons to keep going, and each of them says miaow.

Anyway, today's journal of shit...

Couldn't wake up properly this morning. Totally knackered. Did too much yesterday. Slightly frustrated with myself for essentially not waking up until midday, but also not too bothered since I had nothing important to do today anyway.

Watched a BBC drama on iPlayer. Good as always. Disappointed with the ending though. It annoys me when it's something you stood no chance of guessing.

Curled up on bed in garden room for nap. Blob got home, ignored my existence, and went straight into the bathtub. I don't really know how I feel about that.

Watched Netflix a bit. Boring, but slightly amusing. 

Handfed feral kittens, which shows they're making progress. This pleased me, and gave me hope for their future. Checked on new cat, clearly needs grooming and cleaning. Asked Animal Manager whether said cat had been assessed so I could clean and groom her, but was told not to, which has really upset me.

Read a letter one of my acquaintances has written to the management of this place regarding many many short comings they have observed. Took an hour to read. Most emotion filled hour of the day. To make a few; shock, sadness, despair, anger.

Alarm went off at 9 for my daily scream. This in itself caused me to panic. I can't do it. It's made me panic every day. I've made pathetic attempts most days, which have scared the pants off the cats. Yesterday I went outside and tried for a good 10 minutes to make myself do it. Head held up, looking at the stars, deep breath in, approach the scream, panic and breathe out. Repeat repeat repeat. I kept thinking about the poor kittens 10 feet away not knowing what the scary noise is, with no mummy to protect them. I can't do it. I'll probably have some excuse no matter where I am. 

No doubt Mr Therapist will tell me I'm making excuses, and I'll feel like a total failure who somehow isn't making enough effort with therapy. I suppose I kind of feel, since I'm on reduced rates now, that I owe him / them (his organisation), so I have to "succeed" at therapy. *Sigh*.

- frustrated

- apathetic

- enjoyment

- disappointment

- annoyed

- bored

- amused

- pleased

- hopeful

- upset

- shock

- sadness

- anger

- despair

- panic

Les Devoirs de Poésie

My homework this week was to write a poem about emotions. I think. Well, this is what happened when I tried... I don't think it's what was expected.

...

Emotion is a train wreck.

Mangled metal

Shattered glass

Dislodged furnishings

Injuries

Blocking the way through for trains that need to get by

People staring

and staring

and judging

and hating

People recording with their phones

Crowded round like zombies

Silent zombies staring, recording, remembering

So we hide those emotions

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Today hasn't been great. I've spent most of the day feeling despondent, empty, and maybe lonely. I don't want to say despair, as I think despair has too much energy to it. I've just been feeling like I'm dead inside, and should be dead on the outside too. Everything seems pointless.

Yet, I have been slightly motivated, too. I opened the curtains, did a little painting, and played GTA. I intended to finish the bed head this afternoon, but fell asleep. 

Kittens always make my heart smile, even when everything else feels bleak. I wish we had different words for different types of love, in English, as they do in some languages. I feel love every time I spend time with the kittens, I just don't know which kind. Kitten love!

This evening the Mercenary Man was online. Just chatting to him has lifted my spirits a lot. He seems fairly low himself though, which concerns me. 

I'm hoping that tomorrow and / or Tuesday, I can get the bed finished, so that we can put it together upstairs. I'm sleeping downstairs tonight so that I've no excuse in the morning. 

I started thinking yesterday about feline qualifications. I've looked several times, but I've never found something along the lines of a degree in "Feline Studies". Now it's occurred to me, I can't stop designing the degree in my head. I may have to write it down to stop it going round in circles.

So, anyway, emotions today...

- despondent

- empty

- lonely?

- dead inside

- pointless

- motivated

- kitten love

- uplifted

- concerned

- hope

- obsessive

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Not felt much of anything today. Kind of a blank one. Crying now though, and don't know why.

Started my period I think, so it could all be hormones. Having bled for the last two weeks already, it's kind of hard to tell though.

I'm so tired of trying to think of my feelings. Sigh.

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Firstly, I'm starting to think I should rub a hanky over our basil plant each morning, then just breathe it in when I'm stressed. It picks me up a little, instantly.

Secondly, I'm pretty sure yesterday's "up" was hormonal, because today I've been so far down that I've seriously been thinking about "the worst" all day. I know how I'd do it, it's too easy, and today I've honestly wanted to go sit in the grass at the end of the garden and say goodbye.

My mind was behaving in a pretty manic erratic way last night. My thoughts were all over the place, skipping and jumping. This happens sometimes. I'm not entirely sure why. I've not even made any medication mistakes recently, either.

So, ummm, today. I can't remember when I woke, etc, this morning. The first thing I really remember was going to spend an hour or so with Mixson and Button before they went to their new home. Very sweetly, Mixson just wanted to sit it my lap. I hope he'll be as happy sitting in the laps of his new humans. Button, on the other hand, wanted to run around like a maniac, attacking her brother as much as possible. I've a feeling that Mixson could sense either that I wasn't feeling right in myself, or that he had change coming. He was off his food last night, too. I've told them both that if life doesn't work out in their new home, they're to come back to me. I have to trust the universe that all will be good for them now.

So, I experienced with them, loss, regret, sadness, love, pride, amusement, and concern. And now I'm crying again.

The rest of the day I've basically spent in the garden room, dozing, playing GTA, and watching something new on Netflix. Katla, I think it's called. 

I've been drifting through sadness, suicidal, hopelessness, fatigue, melancholy, interest, frustration.

Maybe these two days are my psychological reaction to such intense frustration, upset, and anger on Wednesday.

Anyway, Blob thinks I should write Button and Mixson a letter. I might. We'll see. 

Button

Mixson

Bye-bye my babies 💜💜

Les Sentiments d'Hier

Writing the day after again. Given Wednesday's day of stressing out, I was rather surprised yesterday to actually be fairly upbeat and chipper. I fiddled around on BuzzFeed until therapy. Spent a while helping with cats. Fell asleep. Had a shower. Played GTA. Spent ages with kittens, coz Mixson and Button are going today. Watched a horrible Panorama about race horse euthanasie. Then watched a thoroughly confusing program called Rap Game.

So, I remember experiencing:

- laziness

- amusement

- frustration

- concern

- chipper

- upbeat

- friendly

- grateful

- loving

- motivated

- sad

- lonely

- positive

- disgusted

- confused

Les Sentiments D'aujourd'hui

Mostly anxiety this morning. From knowing that I had to go stuff involving a police station, a taxi, and making phone calls. I hate phone calls. I phoned the nice taxi company I discovered a while ago, so a familiar face was reassuring. The police lady who helped me was really nice, for which I was grateful; but her two colleagues were really rude. They made my feel judged, embarrassed, and randomly guilty.

Before any of that though, I spent a little time with the kitties. The cat that came in at the weekend really appreciated a cuddle. We found that he has really really bad teeth though, which is heartbreaking. It means he's in pain and has probably been in pain for a long time, but also means that he's at risk. I feel sick thinking about it.

While I was waiting for the taxi, my staff member friend told me that Mixson and Button have been reserved, being picked up on Saturday. I'm going to cuddle then as much as possible for the rest of the week. I'm sad, as I love Mixson so much, but I'm glad he's going to have a good home, and that they'll be together. I need to their my attention into other kitties. Probably mine.

This afternoon I've basically been asleep. I heard from one of the people I used to volunteer with at that stupid shop. It was really weird hearing from him out of the blue, yet somehow didn't feel like it had been two years. So we had a nice chat through the rest of the day. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Kind of awkward I suppose. Wary.

I've slept through most of this evening, too. I think maybe I got sun stroke yesterday. A rather memorable portion of the evening though, was the storm. It went from literally the hottest day this year, to hailing marbles. The kittens were terrified. I quite enjoyed it though. I like the sound of rain. I was kind of amused by the paths suddenly being flooded. And then annoyed that my shoes got soaked.

- anxious

- reassurance

- judged

- embarrassed

- guilty

- heart breaking

- "sick"

- awkward

- wary

- sad

- glad

- appreciation

- amused

- annoyed