Ok, so I have this weird phenomenon that I'm not quite sure how to describe. It's as if the nerve cells in my digestive system are oversensitive. Most of the time it's merely a discomfort that I can only really describe as feeling "squiggly", but on days like today they override everything.
I have talked to doctors about it. One of my GPs explained that it's quite literally the definition of IBS - I'm describing the bowel being irritable. The Pain Clinic specialist didn't understand it at all, so told me to cut out lactose, gluten, sugars, anything acidic, and to reduce meat and carbohydrates. I don't know what that leaves me to eat, so I've not been able to follow her advice. Although I imagine it would lead to rapid weight loss, so maybe I should 🤔
I probably need to talk to a neurologist about it really, as it's the nerves that seem to be the problem.
Anyway, what happened today was that I woke up feeling bloated and unwell. The kiddies were running around the house so I didn't want to use the bathroom yet. However, as I waited, I felt worse and worse, so I did go to the bathroom. It seemed that the problem was just that I needed a big pooh. My large intestine was full, pressing on the underside of my stomach, which was making me feel sick. (It may be worth noting here that I lack the usual sensation that tells you when you need a number two, so it's very often pressure under my stomach that informs me). This isn't unusual for me, so I just got on with it, and went back to bed to wait for the triggered nerves to stop bugging me.
They didn't.
When this happens it's kind of as if I become disconnected from the rest of my body. I feel all floaty. I feel like I'm looking at myself from outside. I basically can't function much at all; it's like a really really bad M.E. day, but I don't think it's caused by the same biological mechanism. So, the signals being sent to my body instructing it on how to work aren't happening properly. My legs become too heavy to walk. I can't instruct my muscles upon how to sit up. I can't really form cohesive thoughts. Watching TV makes me feel sicker. I can't cope with noises, it's as if they're amplified tenfold.
So, I spent today on the bed in the garden room, drifting in and out of sleep. Or consciousness. I'm not sure how to tell the difference. I don't recall dreaming though.
Later this afternoon when the kids were particularly noisy, I waddled up the garden a few metres, and lay on the lawn to sleep instead.
In the garden I noticed that my brain was picking up on green again. This is another thing that happens occasionally. Everything green becomes a lot lot... greener (for lack of a better word), and anything not green becomes somewhat greyer than usual.
So, with regards to feelings, it's difficult to say. I was experiencing a kind of wistfulness most of the day. Normally sleeping a lot makes me annoyed at myself, but today I was not. Normally noises bothering me, irritate me, but today they did not.
In the garden I was feeling a kind of loving admiration feeling, towards nature, and a curiosity as to which bird species I was hearing. A lot of affection to my cats, as they kept coming to check on me.
That's about it though. The only thing I can really think that I was feeling for most of the day was a kind of thankfulness. When I have these experiences it feels like a kind of full bodied relief. So maybe the gratefulness is because physically I'm not feeling the pain I usually have everywhere, just feeling the weirdness in my digestive system.
I noticed that I was still experiencing the undertone of sadness though. It's just always there.
In summary, the emotions I think I've experienced that are;
- wistfulness
- admiration
- curiosity
- affection
- thankfulness
- sadness
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