Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

I'm struggling with this. Tbh, a few days ago I genuinely didn't think I'd be here to write today's emotions, the day before my next therapy session. I wonder if therapy is supposed to actually get to be too much. It's making me feel like banging my head against a wall, pulling my hair out, running and running until I'm completely lost, like just escaping everything. It's making my head spin with thoughts I don't understand, repeated nonsense, and I desperately want peace. I want to escape the pain of my past, the memories, the reality, the way it affects me now. I always come back to the same conclusion though; the only way to actually do that, is to chop my head off. Merrily go on my way without my head.

And that, is where suicidal ideation comes from.

At the weekend the Mercenary Man told me that I'm one of only two people whom he genuinely feels is a friend. I'm glad he told me that, as it gives me a human reason to keep going. Not a guilt trip. I've not told him the crap my head is doing to me. Until now though, I've only had 9 reasons to keep going, and each of them says miaow.

Anyway, today's journal of shit...

Couldn't wake up properly this morning. Totally knackered. Did too much yesterday. Slightly frustrated with myself for essentially not waking up until midday, but also not too bothered since I had nothing important to do today anyway.

Watched a BBC drama on iPlayer. Good as always. Disappointed with the ending though. It annoys me when it's something you stood no chance of guessing.

Curled up on bed in garden room for nap. Blob got home, ignored my existence, and went straight into the bathtub. I don't really know how I feel about that.

Watched Netflix a bit. Boring, but slightly amusing. 

Handfed feral kittens, which shows they're making progress. This pleased me, and gave me hope for their future. Checked on new cat, clearly needs grooming and cleaning. Asked Animal Manager whether said cat had been assessed so I could clean and groom her, but was told not to, which has really upset me.

Read a letter one of my acquaintances has written to the management of this place regarding many many short comings they have observed. Took an hour to read. Most emotion filled hour of the day. To make a few; shock, sadness, despair, anger.

Alarm went off at 9 for my daily scream. This in itself caused me to panic. I can't do it. It's made me panic every day. I've made pathetic attempts most days, which have scared the pants off the cats. Yesterday I went outside and tried for a good 10 minutes to make myself do it. Head held up, looking at the stars, deep breath in, approach the scream, panic and breathe out. Repeat repeat repeat. I kept thinking about the poor kittens 10 feet away not knowing what the scary noise is, with no mummy to protect them. I can't do it. I'll probably have some excuse no matter where I am. 

No doubt Mr Therapist will tell me I'm making excuses, and I'll feel like a total failure who somehow isn't making enough effort with therapy. I suppose I kind of feel, since I'm on reduced rates now, that I owe him / them (his organisation), so I have to "succeed" at therapy. *Sigh*.

- frustrated

- apathetic

- enjoyment

- disappointment

- annoyed

- bored

- amused

- pleased

- hopeful

- upset

- shock

- sadness

- anger

- despair

- panic