Tuesday 13 July 2021

Friends ™

I've just watched the Friends finale. Over the last couple of weeks I've been watching Friends from the very first episode, through all ten seasons, right to the end. 

If you have emotional issues, I don't recommend binge watching it like I just have.

Pretty much every day I've been in floods of tears at something in one episode or another. I've not included this in my emotion journal, because most of the time I can't explain why I'm crying.

Watching Rachel say goodbye to her friends, though, I think I've finally figured it out. I miss my group of friends, and despite it being five years ago I'm still devastated at how it all fell apart. And I don't know what the word is for this emotion, but knowing that I didn't mean as much to any of them as they meant to me is absolutely heartbreaking.

It seems to still be the case. I don't seem to ever be important to anyone. The fact that I didn't get a single birthday present or card for my last birthday pretty much sums it up for me.

I try to avoid thinking about it most of the time because it does make me cry, and it does make me feel hopeless, like there really is absolutely no reason for living. But there is, my cats, and I don't care how trite anyone thinks that is - I took on the responsibility of their lives, so I intend to see them through. Maybe by then, therapy will have fixed me enough to be happy with just myself.

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