As such, this week my homework is to assess what I was feeling 24 hours prior to doing the homework. I this end I'll update this post throughout the week.
Yesterday; mostly I was bored, and frustrated because I was bored. I was very fatigued, but annoyed with myself for allowing myself to sleep so much. In the evening I was feeling delicate and sensitive, though I didn't know why. During my cat duty times though, I felt happy and loving. I wonder if maybe part of feeling sensitive at the moment is because I know the kittens I've worked so hard with will be going to new homes soon.
. . .
Ha! Lol. I can't believe I put "yesterday" as if each day won't be yesterday when I'm writing about it the following day. Ho hum.
It's nearly 6am Friday morning now. I actually can't recall yesterday's feelings yet, other than feeling an overlaying muddle of confusion. However, I think it's worth noting that my period has started. So the delicate sensitive feeling would have actually been my hormones shifting. Stupid hormones. I actually thought I was getting somewhere with feeling stuff. *Sigh*
Ok, it's now evening, and I can't say that I recall how I felt yesterday much better, now, than I could this morning. I can't really remember much of what I actually did yesterday, which doesn't help. The only thing I can really remember is sitting in Mixson's pen cuddling him, because every time I tried to leave, he cried. I love that little kitten; I'm going to have a really rough time when he's old enough to go to a forever home. I think the crying was probably mostly due to stupid menstrual hormones. I do also believe that my hormones react to kittens as if they're human babies though, so that may also have played a part in the crying.
. . .
And the next yesterday!
This isn't working. I can't even remember what I did yesterday, let alone what I was feeling throughout.
Mostly, anyway.
I can remember that TheMercenaryMan joined us on GTA for the first time in ages, so we did some Heist prep. It was nice to hear him again. It felt a bit strained though. Not sure whether that was him, myself, or Blob 🤷🏻♀️
I also remember sitting crying in one of the kitten pens, but I can't remember why, or whether I actually knew why at the time.
But yesterday daytime.... I'm sure I did something. No idea what though.
However, there's today, and I am feeling things today. I don't like it. Maybe, if Mr Therapist is right, and I suppress emotions, it's because they hurt too much. I don't seem to experience the good ones very often.
There was this time a few years ago, when I was living in a house I loved, with a beautiful garden and a park to walk the cats around behind the house; I was in better health than I had been for some time, heading to "work" where I volunteered upcycling furniture with someone I got on really well with. Every day was different, every day was fun, I knew what I was doing, I felt a little as if I belonged. It was summer, a beautiful day, I was driving, listening to the birds, enjoying the countryside and the warmth of the sun on my skin, and I thought to myself "this is what happy feels like". It was one moment. In that moment I understood that it was the culmination of things that created a moment of happiness. And I knew that I'd have to put a pin in that moment so that I could recall what happiness felt like.
That isn't to say I've never felt it before. But it's been seldom. As a child I was very aware that I wasn't happy. I remember twice trying to talk to my supposedly nice brother about it. He told me I was being silly both times.
Genuinely, all I want from life is to feel happy more often. I'd like the every day background humdrum feeling to be a contentedness that I also don't experience at the moment. An upgrade from depression please.
So, anyway, today I'm pretty low. This could be due to menstrual hormones again. That might be why I can recognise my feelings in the moment, too.
I just kind of woke up feeling low, and already fatigued, and struggled to put one thought in front of another. I popped into the kittenry at 5:30am to feed the little ones, but struggled to get back to sleep afterwards.
I think, possibly, that fatigue drags my mood down quite significantly. And adversely, feeling low makes me fatigued. Vicious fucking circle. I sleep a lot. But, to be honest, I'm quite often at my happiest or most content when I'm sleeping.
Cleaned the rat cages today. That was ok. I was my usual irritable self throughout. I don't know why cleaning cages makes me irritable, since it is something I do actually like doing. I've always been a snappy bitch to whomever is helping me though.
Mr Therapist sent me a link to a video to watch. It made me think a lot and feel complicated things. I need to watch it again and make notes, so I'll probably blog that separately. The long and short of it is that our childhood shapes our psychological future. And the stresses that we experience in life cause physical illnesses. A lot of it is stuff I already agree with, but hadn't really put it into linear thought before. My general conclusion is that I'm fucked. I just feel like I'm a broken mess, and all the glue in the world can't fix me, and it's so hard trying.
Sooooo... Watched some Friends; the episodes where Ross and Rachel split up. I hadn't seen them before. Well, that made me cry. But me being me, I had to cry silently, which can be quite an art form. I don't know why I do it. I think, probably, because I don't want people to know that I'm crying, even if "people" is only Blob.
Checked on cats and kittens. Discovered that Dory has been reserved - she's the one we'd applied to adopt because she's so similar to my Mitten who passed away two years ago. It hurts me that they don't even have the decency here to turn us down. And it makes me kind of scared that when it's Mixson's time to go to a new home, I won't be told, so won't get to say goodbye.
He really has my heart, that little fella. It's probably bad that I hate that fact. It's only been a few weeks, but it's been hard work, and was quite traumatic when Sorrel died. I hate that my emotions are so easily wrapped up in animals, but not in humans at all.
So, anyway, to finish off today, I'm lying in bed crying my eyes out (as quietly as possible, obviously). Come tomorrow, I probably won't remember any of this. Stupid brain.
. . .
Ok, so now I'm trying to think about yesterday and can't really remember how I felt. Again. I'm starting to wonder whether I got muddled up when talking to Mr Therapist, in telling him that I can't tell how I feel until the following day, when in actuality the fact is that I can't remember what I've been doing for 24 to 48 hours. I think both are true, but I'm having serious trouble remembering feelings.
Sooooo, I'm going to reread yesterday's garble up see if it jogs my memory...
//Read it//
Lol. I got it right when I said I wouldn't remember any of it. From reading about how I was feeling yesterday, I can remember the anguished crying, and the disappointment at the lack of respect, but I cannot re-feel them.
That type of crying is very painful. I learnt sometime ago to open mother scream without actually releasing sound. When I'm distressed I'm very aware of how much noise I'm making. If I need to sniff or snivel I bury my head in soft furnishings to hide the sound; usually a cushion, but it could be blankets or clothing. Trying to breathe without making the hiccuping noises that often happen with crying, is probably the biggest challenge.
I've found in recent years that you can have tears running down your face, but so long as you keep your voice steady, and look at people the way you would normally, they don't even notice that you're crying. It's as if people aren't really looking.
So, anyway, the fact that I was crying in that way means that I was really quite upset yesterday, though I didn't know why. I'm guessing it was probably triggered by the psychology video. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I watch it again to make notes.
As for today... I think I've been ok. A bit grumpy this morning, but nothing worrisome. I've enjoyed kitten time, instead of experiencing the predicted feelings of loss that'll come with rehoming them all. I played a little GTA, but got bored quickly, felt restless, yet fell asleep 🤷🏻♀️
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