Un Rêve Fou!

You know when you wake up and you're going about your business, when suddenly you get an image flash in your mind of a dream you had the previous night? Yeah, that just happened. I'm still piecing it together, but seems like it was a crazy one.

As is often the way with dream memories, I can't remember quite how we arrived at the part that I do remember. 

So, there's this group of American-marine type macho guys. They've been given suped up strength and stuff by this kinda cyborg woman.

I don't remember whether they were good or bad, or how they were influencing society, but I do remember that the general feeling towards them was negative. You avoided them if you could.

There's a portion of the dream missing whereby I ended up mixed up with them. A few of my friends did too, but they disappeared from my dream.

We were in an underpass when the macho guys told me to stand against a wall. I was confused. Then these big metal walls came up out of the ground on either side of me, boxing me in. Two of the macho fellas stood against the wall with me. Suddenly the wall opposite came rushing towards us. I thought it would crush us, but it didn't. The thoughts were in slow motion, as the wall then repeatedly rushed towards us, crushing us against the wall. Yet not.

When it stopped, the guys excitedly explained that the reason the crushing didn't crush me was because I'd been turned into one of them. They asked how I'd found it, how scared I'd been, to which I responded that I'd wished I'd put my feet properly against the wall behind me at the beginning, as every time the wall in front rushed at me my heels were being banged against it. They were a little disappointed that I hadn't poohed myself or something.

So, I was taken to their lodgings place, where we all kind of hung around in their room waiting for... 🤷🏻‍♀️ It was kind of stinky and very boring.

After a little bit I started feeling unwell so asked if I could lie down on one of the fellas beds. Things were getting weird, like I was experiencing my environment as if someone was pressing fast forward, rewind, pause, fast forward, pause, etc. I tried explaining it to them but they ignored me.

I started to panic, so tried to run from the room. I discovered that most of the windows had bars on them, and noticed that it was raining outside.

At some point I realised that the cyborg woman was now a part of me. You'd think I'd object but I didn't, I realised that I could use her powers, since she was obviously more powerful than the macho guys.

Some woman who was on my side showed me an unbarred window and opened it for me. I climbed out, and using the cyborg woman's powers I turned the rain into a super cube electric highway that I could escape along in the form of electric cube energy.

As you do!

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Today has been a weird one as it's been totally overridden by my physical health. I'm writing this at 1:30am after a bit of proper sleep.

Ok, so I have this weird phenomenon that I'm not quite sure how to describe. It's as if the nerve cells in my digestive system are oversensitive. Most of the time it's merely a discomfort that I can only really describe as feeling "squiggly", but on days like today they override everything.

I have talked to doctors about it. One of my GPs explained that it's quite literally the definition of IBS - I'm describing the bowel being irritable. The Pain Clinic specialist didn't understand it at all, so told me to cut out lactose, gluten, sugars, anything acidic, and to reduce meat and carbohydrates. I don't know what that leaves me to eat, so I've not been able to follow her advice. Although I imagine it would lead to rapid weight loss, so maybe I should 🤔

I probably need to talk to a neurologist about it really, as it's the nerves that seem to be the problem.

Anyway, what happened today was that I woke up feeling bloated and unwell. The kiddies were running around the house so I didn't want to use the bathroom yet. However, as I waited, I felt worse and worse, so I did go to the bathroom. It seemed that the problem was just that I needed a big pooh. My large intestine was full, pressing on the underside of my stomach, which was making me feel sick. (It may be worth noting here that I lack the usual sensation that tells you when you need a number two, so it's very often pressure under my stomach that informs me). This isn't unusual for me, so I just got on with it, and went back to bed to wait for the triggered nerves to stop bugging me.

They didn't.

When this happens it's kind of as if I become disconnected from the rest of my body. I feel all floaty. I feel like I'm looking at myself from outside. I basically can't function much at all; it's like a really really bad M.E. day, but I don't think it's caused by the same biological mechanism. So, the signals being sent to my body instructing it on how to work aren't happening properly. My legs become too heavy to walk. I can't instruct my muscles upon how to sit up. I can't really form cohesive thoughts. Watching TV makes me feel sicker. I can't cope with noises, it's as if they're amplified tenfold.

So, I spent today on the bed in the garden room, drifting in and out of sleep. Or consciousness. I'm not sure how to tell the difference. I don't recall dreaming though.

Later this afternoon when the kids were particularly noisy, I waddled up the garden a few metres, and lay on the lawn to sleep instead.

In the garden I noticed that my brain was picking up on green again. This is another thing that happens occasionally. Everything green becomes a lot lot... greener (for lack of a better word), and anything not green becomes somewhat greyer than usual.

So, with regards to feelings, it's difficult to say. I was experiencing a kind of wistfulness most of the day. Normally sleeping a lot makes me annoyed at myself, but today I was not. Normally noises bothering me, irritate me, but today they did not.

In the garden I was feeling a kind of loving admiration feeling, towards nature, and a curiosity as to which bird species I was hearing. A lot of affection to my cats, as they kept coming to check on me. 

That's about it though. The only thing I can really think that I was feeling for most of the day was a kind of thankfulness. When I have these experiences it feels like a kind of full bodied relief. So maybe the gratefulness is because physically I'm not feeling the pain I usually have everywhere, just feeling the weirdness in my digestive system.

I noticed that I was still experiencing the undertone of sadness though. It's just always there.

In summary, the emotions I think I've experienced that are;

- wistfulness

- admiration

- curiosity

- affection

- thankfulness

- sadness

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Today's feelings feel a little more distant than they did yesterday. I can't really remember this morning. I think I mostly spent it asleep.

About midday I decided I wanted to play GTA, to see if Mercenary Man was online. So that would be motivation and curiosity I think. I became restless fairly quickly though, and switched to watching Netflix again. 

Right after I switched Mercenary Man sent me a message saying he'd just joined my game when I left it. So I went back in, but he wasn't there. This resulted in a little frustration, as I couldn't make myself feel interested enough in GTA to play on my own.

He appeared not long later though, so I was happy, and we had fun. I always feel quite insecure talking to him. I suppose it's the nearest I have to social interaction, so that's probably why.

I started feeling queasy after a while (slow frame rate can do this to me, even if I can't tell it's slow), so I logged off intending to take a nap. I got annoyed at myself because napping didn't happen.

I've not felt great since, which has manifested in me not enjoying my kitten time this evening. I feel restless and nauseated. 

But I can definitely identify that I'm really annoyed this evening. Blob admitted to me that he's still lying to me so the flipping time. Usually about financial matters. It annoys me because he isn't trusting me to help him sort certain things out; and because his finances directly affect my life and what I can and cannot do. Aaaaargh!

So, today I've identified;

- curiosity

- restlessness

- frustration

- happy

- enjoyment

- insecurity

- annoyance

Égoïsme Positif

We generally think of selfishness as being a bad thing. Today I've been selfish, but I don't think it's necessarily bad. There are things I need to get done, such as writing the PIP document (which would trigger anxiety), putting all my clothes away (which I know would exhaust me), etc; but I chose instead to play with make-up.

I feel guilty doing something like this, for several reasons. Firstly, the aforementioned things that I feel I should be doing. I'm the only person judging me on those though. Secondly, because on the days when I can use the brushes and things required to do make-up, I feel that I shouldn't, because I have this paranoia from years of dealing with the DWP that they'll somehow find out I put make-up on for the first time this year, and assume I can do it all the time. Thirdly, I feel that at my age it's weird to enjoy playing with make-up. I grew up with two of my four parents using the phrase "mutton dressed as lamb" quite a lot - so I feel that anyone who sees me wearing make-up will judge me that way; though the only people who actually saw it were a couple of friends to whom I sent pictures.

Anyway.... I think it's important to sometimes do things like this. Putting make up on, even if it doesn't work out the way you wanted, is a way of boosting your confidence, and showing yourself self value. I don't do it enough. This is the first time I've put make-up on this year. I tend to leave it too long between hair colourings. Self care such as bathing, looking after myself, etc, I find extremely challenging. (That's partly why I'm so overweight). So, I feel that today I made a small step in the right direction. It would be nice to get back to doing this sort of thing more regularly.

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Therapy homework: emotions journal.

Today has been pretty positive. I've been motivated to do stuff instead of sleeping all day. Though that motivation was towards selfish activities rather than constructive activities. 

I should be writing a document to send towards my PIP Mandatory Reconsideration. I've written a lot of it, but today thinking about doing so made me feel physically sick, which I think is anxiety.

Kittens made me feel all melty again. It's a kind of maternal loving feeling. I hate the word "maternal" though, so want to try and find an alternative word.

This evening I've been kind of bored. I'm no less motivated, but I've run out of steam for today. I'm still only part way through binge watching Friends, but am getting kind of irritated by it. On the other hand it's triggering creative thoughts, in that I keep trying to imagine a modern day version of Friends.

I've noticed also, that whatever else is doing on, I always seem to have this background feeling of slight sadness. It's a similar feeling to when you're on the edge of tears, but it's like it's sat just behind me.

So, today I've recognised: positivity, motivation, selfishness, anxiety, kitten-loviness, boredom, irritability, creativity, sadness.

Un Petit Devoir

So, following yesterday's therapy session my homework this week is simply to try to continue noting my feelings every day. I'm going to go separate blog posts for them, as it got messy last week.

Also of note, therapist blokee identified that I feel rage towards the adults that surrounded me as a kid. And that makes me sad.

I forgot to do yesterday's. Yesterday I was feeling quite upbeat and motivated. Following therapy I began feeling anxious, but kitten cuddling soon distracted me and gave me light fluffy feelings on my tummy.

This morning so far I'm feeling a little anxious, a little hopeful that I'll be motivated to get stuff done today, but also kind of lazy and fatigued and tempted to go back to sleep.

Devoirs de Thérapie

So, last week I had the homework of spending ten minutes a day assessing the feelings I'd experienced that day. The result of this was a whole lot of nothing. For years and years I've struggled to know what I'm feeling. I can usually tell you what I was feeling 24 hours previously, but not what I'm feeling in the moment.

As such, this week my homework is to assess what I was feeling 24 hours prior to doing the homework. I this end I'll update this post throughout the week.

Yesterday; mostly I was bored, and frustrated because I was bored. I was very fatigued, but annoyed with myself for allowing myself to sleep so much. In the evening I was feeling delicate and sensitive, though I didn't know why. During my cat duty times though, I felt happy and loving. I wonder if maybe part of feeling sensitive at the moment is because I know the kittens I've worked so hard with will be going to new homes soon.

. . .

Ha! Lol. I can't believe I put "yesterday" as if each day won't be yesterday when I'm writing about it the following day. Ho hum.

It's nearly 6am Friday morning now. I actually can't recall yesterday's feelings yet, other than feeling an overlaying muddle of confusion. However, I think it's worth noting that my period has started. So the delicate sensitive feeling would have actually been my hormones shifting. Stupid hormones. I actually thought I was getting somewhere with feeling stuff. *Sigh*

Ok, it's now evening, and I can't say that I recall how I felt yesterday much better, now, than I could this morning. I can't really remember much of what I actually did yesterday, which doesn't help. The only thing I can really remember is sitting in Mixson's pen cuddling him, because every time I tried to leave, he cried. I love that little kitten; I'm going to have a really rough time when he's old enough to go to a forever home. I think the crying was probably mostly due to stupid menstrual hormones. I do also believe that my hormones react to kittens as if they're human babies though, so that may also have played a part in the crying.

. . .

And the next yesterday!

This isn't working. I can't even remember what I did yesterday, let alone what I was feeling throughout. 

Mostly, anyway.

I can remember that TheMercenaryMan joined us on GTA for the first time in ages, so we did some Heist prep. It was nice to hear him again. It felt a bit strained though. Not sure whether that was him, myself, or Blob 🤷🏻‍♀️

I also remember sitting crying in one of the kitten pens, but I can't remember why, or whether I actually knew why at the time.

But yesterday daytime.... I'm sure I did something. No idea what though.

However, there's today, and I am feeling things today. I don't like it. Maybe, if Mr Therapist is right, and I suppress emotions, it's because they hurt too much. I don't seem to experience the good ones very often.

There was this time a few years ago, when I was living in a house I loved, with a beautiful garden and a park to walk the cats around behind the house; I was in better health than I had been for some time, heading to "work" where I volunteered upcycling furniture with someone I got on really well with. Every day was different, every day was fun, I knew what I was doing, I felt a little as if I belonged. It was summer, a beautiful day, I was driving, listening to the birds, enjoying the countryside and the warmth of the sun on my skin, and I thought to myself "this is what happy feels like". It was one moment. In that moment I understood that it was the culmination of things that created a moment of happiness. And I knew that I'd have to put a pin in that moment so that I could recall what happiness felt like.

That isn't to say I've never felt it before. But it's been seldom. As a child I was very aware that I wasn't happy. I remember twice trying to talk to my supposedly nice brother about it. He told me I was being silly both times. 

Genuinely, all I want from life is to feel happy more often. I'd like the every day background humdrum feeling to be a contentedness that I also don't experience at the moment. An upgrade from depression please.

So, anyway, today I'm pretty low. This could be due to menstrual hormones again. That might be why I can recognise my feelings in the moment, too. 

I just kind of woke up feeling low, and already fatigued, and struggled to put one thought in front of another. I popped into the kittenry at 5:30am to feed the little ones, but struggled to get back to sleep afterwards.

I think, possibly, that fatigue drags my mood down quite significantly. And adversely, feeling low makes me fatigued. Vicious fucking circle. I sleep a lot. But, to be honest, I'm quite often at my happiest or most content when I'm sleeping.

Cleaned the rat cages today. That was ok. I was my usual irritable self throughout. I don't know why cleaning cages makes me irritable, since it is something I do actually like doing. I've always been a snappy bitch to whomever is helping me though.

Mr Therapist sent me a link to a video to watch. It made me think a lot and feel complicated things. I need to watch it again and make notes, so I'll probably blog that separately. The long and short of it is that our childhood shapes our psychological future. And the stresses that we experience in life cause physical illnesses. A lot of it is stuff I already agree with, but hadn't really put it into linear thought before. My general conclusion is that I'm fucked. I just feel like I'm a broken mess, and all the glue in the world can't fix me, and it's so hard trying. 

Sooooo... Watched some Friends; the episodes where Ross and Rachel split up. I hadn't seen them before. Well, that made me cry. But me being me, I had to cry silently, which can be quite an art form. I don't know why I do it. I think, probably, because I don't want people to know that I'm crying, even if "people" is only Blob. 

Checked on cats and kittens. Discovered that Dory has been reserved - she's the one we'd applied to adopt because she's so similar to my Mitten who passed away two years ago. It hurts me that they don't even have the decency here to turn us down. And it makes me kind of scared that when it's Mixson's time to go to a new home, I won't be told, so won't get to say goodbye. 

He really has my heart, that little fella. It's probably bad that I hate that fact. It's only been a few weeks, but it's been hard work, and was quite traumatic when Sorrel died. I hate that my emotions are so easily wrapped up in animals, but not in humans at all.

So, anyway, to finish off today, I'm lying in bed crying my eyes out (as quietly as possible, obviously). Come tomorrow, I probably won't remember any of this. Stupid brain.

. . .

Ok, so now I'm trying to think about yesterday and can't really remember how I felt. Again. I'm starting to wonder whether I got muddled up when talking to Mr Therapist, in telling him that I can't tell how I feel until the following day, when in actuality the fact is that I can't remember what I've been doing for 24 to 48 hours. I think both are true, but I'm having serious trouble remembering feelings. 

Sooooo, I'm going to reread yesterday's garble up see if it jogs my memory...

//Read it//

Lol. I got it right when I said I wouldn't remember any of it. From reading about how I was feeling yesterday, I can remember the anguished crying, and the disappointment at the lack of respect, but I cannot re-feel them.

That type of crying is very painful. I learnt sometime ago to open mother scream without actually releasing sound. When I'm distressed I'm very aware of how much noise I'm making. If I need to sniff or snivel I bury my head in soft furnishings to hide the sound; usually a cushion, but it could be blankets or clothing. Trying to breathe without making the hiccuping noises that often happen with crying, is probably the biggest challenge.

I've found in recent years that you can have tears running down your face, but so long as you keep your voice steady, and look at people the way you would normally, they don't even notice that you're crying. It's as if people aren't really looking.

So, anyway, the fact that I was crying in that way means that I was really quite upset yesterday, though I didn't know why. I'm guessing it was probably triggered by the psychology video. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I watch it again to make notes.

As for today... I think I've been ok. A bit grumpy this morning, but nothing worrisome. I've enjoyed kitten time, instead of experiencing the predicted feelings of loss that'll come with rehoming them all. I played a little GTA, but got bored quickly, felt restless, yet fell asleep 🤷🏻‍♀️