Note Pour Moi-Même

Note to self...

When the condition of the kitty that just came in makes me sad

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When a kitty comes in with flu or an injury

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When a kitty tests positive for FIV or FelV

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When I'm worried to death about a cat that won't eat

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When kitty's are crying, and it's breaking my heart

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When a scared kitty hisses or lunges

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When I sit in a pen of an unsocial cat, and make no progress

   That that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When I sit in a pen of and amazing cat who's not been adopted simply because they're black

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When a kitty is lovely, and wants to cuddle or play

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When I bond with a kitty but can't adopt them

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When a kitty is rehomed and I don't get to say goodbye

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

And always wash my hands between pens, and change my clothes between seeing centre kitties and mine!

Les Sentiments d'Hier

I'm posting the morning after the day before, because by the time I got to bed last night I was totally spent.

So, yesterday happened in two parts.

Nice chilled day. Sat in bed making a mobile to go outside the cat isolation unit, because the cats in there often get lonely and bored, so it'll give them something to look at. Amazingly this took me most of my awake day. I watched a Canadian comedy I've found on Netflix called Kim's Convenience, so watched that whilst tinkering. I was in the garden room because Rob's kids were dumped on us on Saturday. So they were coming in and out of the room to access the garden. The weather was absolutely fantastic!

I enjoy crafting, so I was in a content, interested, mood most of the day. I was fairly amused by the television. A little embarrassed for being in my nightie all day, with the kids walking past me. It was nice to hear Rob putting up the hammock-seat I gave him for his birthday, and to hear the kids loving it, but I'm not sure what emotion that was.

Their mother was supposed to pick them up, but told Rob to take them home at the last minute, which annoyed me. Not long after he left he phoned to tell me that my car had exploded. This confused me, given that he was supposedly some distance away, and my car was on the drive. Turned out he took my car without my permission. Turned out he took my debit card without my permission. Turned out he isn't insured to drive my car. That pretty much sums it up. I went through confusion, frustration, being annoyed, being annoyed, trying to be patient, being annoyed, feeling sad and betrayed and used, and being annoyed some more. It took him 3 hours to get home. He was extremely sorry and trite. There's no point in yelling at him or telling him off. So I just felt so let down and pointless and useless. Helpless.

I was talking to a friend throughout, which helped a lot. I was reassured, and validated. 

And I was exhausted, so just went to sleep. Annoyed.

I'm also annoyed at myself for not taking that opportunity to go outside and practice screaming out loud, as is one of my therapy homeworks.

Soooo, in summary, yesterday I noticed experiencing:

- enjoyment

- content

- interested

- amused

- embarrassed

- satisfied maybe?

- confusion

- frustration

- helpless

- reassured

- validated

- sad

- betrayed

- used

- let down

- pointless

- useless

- exhausted

- annoyed x 7

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Well, lil but of guilt for not doing journal for the last couple of days; but also a bit of smug for having done the poem already.

I've had some lovely cat time today, which has made me feel affectionate, a bit happy, and grateful that they're in my life. 

I spent quite a while discussing, by email, our living situation, with someone I've chatted to a bit before via Twitter. This lead me to feeling anxious, but also conscientious, and grateful again, that someone is confirming my feelings and thoughts. So, validated, too, I suppose.

Blob took me to the beach early this afternoon. Took us an hour to drive the 9 flipping miles. I guess I got irritated at that. Got to the beach, there was a decapitated young seal there which was really off putting. I started burning within about ten minutes, so we left. It was short lived, but I really enjoyed being in the sun and by the sea. Grossed out by the seal though.

Satisfying nap this afternoon. Finished watching Gavin and Stacey, which was a relief, as I really didn't get why everyone raves about it. So that's confusion I think.

I actually can't remember what I've been doing for the last few hours. Rob's kids were dumped on us at the last moment - this irritates me, and that makes me feel guilty. I like the kids being here, but I like a bit of warning. 

So I'm sleeping downstairs. I'll sleep with the doors open so I can hear the night sounds and dawn chorus. This always makes me feel kind of authentic and like I'm closer to home (I've no idea what that emotion is though). I'm looking forward to going to sleep.

So, in summary, that's;

- guilt

- smug

- affectionate

- happy

- grateful

- anxious

- conscientious

- validated

- irritated

- enjoyment

- grossed out

- satisfied

- relieved

- confused

- authentic

- anticipation

Être Vide

One of my therapy assignments this week is to write a poem about what we've been doing; that is trying to teach my mind to feel emotions in the present. Well, poetry doesn't always go according to plan. This has been going around my head, stopping me from sleeping. So here it is...

- - -

Sometimes...

   being blank can feel like being a kite,

   way up high in the sky,

   looking down at the every day people,

   who seem to be so far far away.

Sometimes...

   being blank can feel like being a big lump of rock

   plonked in the middle of a town square

   where people ignore you

      walk around you

      urinate against you

      use you as a prop

   definitely don't notice you.

Sometimes...

   being blank feels like being suffocated

   an opaque plastic bag tied over your head

   the more you try to breathe, the less air there is

   you can see the world carrying on by

   no one caring that you're dying.

And yet, sometimes...

   being blank can be a blessed relief

   from the every day people

   from the people walking by

   from the people using you,

      treating you like crap,

      not noticing you

   from the people suffocating you.

Sometimes...

   being blank is easier.

Friends ™

I've just watched the Friends finale. Over the last couple of weeks I've been watching Friends from the very first episode, through all ten seasons, right to the end. 

If you have emotional issues, I don't recommend binge watching it like I just have.

Pretty much every day I've been in floods of tears at something in one episode or another. I've not included this in my emotion journal, because most of the time I can't explain why I'm crying.

Watching Rachel say goodbye to her friends, though, I think I've finally figured it out. I miss my group of friends, and despite it being five years ago I'm still devastated at how it all fell apart. And I don't know what the word is for this emotion, but knowing that I didn't mean as much to any of them as they meant to me is absolutely heartbreaking.

It seems to still be the case. I don't seem to ever be important to anyone. The fact that I didn't get a single birthday present or card for my last birthday pretty much sums it up for me.

I try to avoid thinking about it most of the time because it does make me cry, and it does make me feel hopeless, like there really is absolutely no reason for living. But there is, my cats, and I don't care how trite anyone thinks that is - I took on the responsibility of their lives, so I intend to see them through. Maybe by then, therapy will have fixed me enough to be happy with just myself.

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Hmmm. I think I'm actually getting irritated by trying to keep track of emotions. That can't be good.

This morning I wanted to sleep, but couldn't, which I found kind of annoying. Eventually instead lying there frustrated though, I decided to get up and help with cattery duties. Throughout these duties I experienced, for various reasons, amusement, concern, anxiety, self consciousness, and interest. Probably some other things. One of the kittens has gone to a new home on her own, which makes me really sad; and acts to remind me that little Mixson will be going one day soon ☹️

I had a lovely snuggly nap with Oni and Gypsy in the garden room, which was comforting and gave me that sort of warm fuzzy feeling that I don't know the word for.

This evening, not much in the way of emotions. I'm amused at the moment, because Gypsy is snoring next to me. I was so proud of her earlier; Bug had a go at Oni, to which Gypsy responded by defending him. I am ashamed that I can't get Bug to behave himself though.

Finally, played GTA a little. Chuffed with the new Survival mission I've found and really enjoy.

So to summarise, today I've identified:

- irritability

- annoyed

- amusement

- concern

- anxiety

- self consciousness

- interest

- sad

- comfort

- pride

- ashamed

- chuffed

- enjoyment

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

I'm not altogether better from yesterday's... whatever that was. My emotions are still kind of distant. I'm kind of comfortable that way. That's probably the whole point that Therapist Fella is getting at.

Let's see...

Blood test at a certain time this morning. Knowing I already felt unwell. Anxiety.

Cuddling Dotty, Ruthie, Mollie, and kinda Bobby. Dotty still doesn't trust people, which makes me feel sad, and slightly frustrated as I don't know how to help her. Ruthie is clearly feeling much happier being in the main cat block, which makes me feel happy, pleased, and loving towards her. Mollie is more interested in escaping the pen than genuinely having attention, which annoyed me. Bobby bit me, which shocked me and left me feeling chastised.

Slept most of the afternoon. Watched Friends a bit. My emotions to up and down a lot watching it because things in it reminds me of the failures in my life a lot. I've nearly finished binge watching it though, so and starting to feel impatient, yet also anxious as I don't know what I'll do with my time when I'm done watching it.

Had a lovely cuddle with Oni, which always makes me feel loving. It should make me happy, but at the moment it actually makes me anxious because he's not as cuddly as usual, which makes me worried as to why.

This evening, didn't like the pizza (cheeseless, obviously) that Blob made, so I felt guilty. And now I'm just tired.

So that's...

- anxious

- sad

- frustration

- happy

- please

- loving

- annoyed

- shocked

- chastised

- impatient

- worried

- guilty

Bleurgh. The more I'm doing this, the more I'm noticing that emotions are changing all the flipping time. It's exhausting!