Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

I'm struggling with this. Tbh, a few days ago I genuinely didn't think I'd be here to write today's emotions, the day before my next therapy session. I wonder if therapy is supposed to actually get to be too much. It's making me feel like banging my head against a wall, pulling my hair out, running and running until I'm completely lost, like just escaping everything. It's making my head spin with thoughts I don't understand, repeated nonsense, and I desperately want peace. I want to escape the pain of my past, the memories, the reality, the way it affects me now. I always come back to the same conclusion though; the only way to actually do that, is to chop my head off. Merrily go on my way without my head.

And that, is where suicidal ideation comes from.

At the weekend the Mercenary Man told me that I'm one of only two people whom he genuinely feels is a friend. I'm glad he told me that, as it gives me a human reason to keep going. Not a guilt trip. I've not told him the crap my head is doing to me. Until now though, I've only had 9 reasons to keep going, and each of them says miaow.

Anyway, today's journal of shit...

Couldn't wake up properly this morning. Totally knackered. Did too much yesterday. Slightly frustrated with myself for essentially not waking up until midday, but also not too bothered since I had nothing important to do today anyway.

Watched a BBC drama on iPlayer. Good as always. Disappointed with the ending though. It annoys me when it's something you stood no chance of guessing.

Curled up on bed in garden room for nap. Blob got home, ignored my existence, and went straight into the bathtub. I don't really know how I feel about that.

Watched Netflix a bit. Boring, but slightly amusing. 

Handfed feral kittens, which shows they're making progress. This pleased me, and gave me hope for their future. Checked on new cat, clearly needs grooming and cleaning. Asked Animal Manager whether said cat had been assessed so I could clean and groom her, but was told not to, which has really upset me.

Read a letter one of my acquaintances has written to the management of this place regarding many many short comings they have observed. Took an hour to read. Most emotion filled hour of the day. To make a few; shock, sadness, despair, anger.

Alarm went off at 9 for my daily scream. This in itself caused me to panic. I can't do it. It's made me panic every day. I've made pathetic attempts most days, which have scared the pants off the cats. Yesterday I went outside and tried for a good 10 minutes to make myself do it. Head held up, looking at the stars, deep breath in, approach the scream, panic and breathe out. Repeat repeat repeat. I kept thinking about the poor kittens 10 feet away not knowing what the scary noise is, with no mummy to protect them. I can't do it. I'll probably have some excuse no matter where I am. 

No doubt Mr Therapist will tell me I'm making excuses, and I'll feel like a total failure who somehow isn't making enough effort with therapy. I suppose I kind of feel, since I'm on reduced rates now, that I owe him / them (his organisation), so I have to "succeed" at therapy. *Sigh*.

- frustrated

- apathetic

- enjoyment

- disappointment

- annoyed

- bored

- amused

- pleased

- hopeful

- upset

- shock

- sadness

- anger

- despair

- panic

Les Devoirs de Poésie

My homework this week was to write a poem about emotions. I think. Well, this is what happened when I tried... I don't think it's what was expected.

...

Emotion is a train wreck.

Mangled metal

Shattered glass

Dislodged furnishings

Injuries

Blocking the way through for trains that need to get by

People staring

and staring

and judging

and hating

People recording with their phones

Crowded round like zombies

Silent zombies staring, recording, remembering

So we hide those emotions

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Today hasn't been great. I've spent most of the day feeling despondent, empty, and maybe lonely. I don't want to say despair, as I think despair has too much energy to it. I've just been feeling like I'm dead inside, and should be dead on the outside too. Everything seems pointless.

Yet, I have been slightly motivated, too. I opened the curtains, did a little painting, and played GTA. I intended to finish the bed head this afternoon, but fell asleep. 

Kittens always make my heart smile, even when everything else feels bleak. I wish we had different words for different types of love, in English, as they do in some languages. I feel love every time I spend time with the kittens, I just don't know which kind. Kitten love!

This evening the Mercenary Man was online. Just chatting to him has lifted my spirits a lot. He seems fairly low himself though, which concerns me. 

I'm hoping that tomorrow and / or Tuesday, I can get the bed finished, so that we can put it together upstairs. I'm sleeping downstairs tonight so that I've no excuse in the morning. 

I started thinking yesterday about feline qualifications. I've looked several times, but I've never found something along the lines of a degree in "Feline Studies". Now it's occurred to me, I can't stop designing the degree in my head. I may have to write it down to stop it going round in circles.

So, anyway, emotions today...

- despondent

- empty

- lonely?

- dead inside

- pointless

- motivated

- kitten love

- uplifted

- concerned

- hope

- obsessive

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Not felt much of anything today. Kind of a blank one. Crying now though, and don't know why.

Started my period I think, so it could all be hormones. Having bled for the last two weeks already, it's kind of hard to tell though.

I'm so tired of trying to think of my feelings. Sigh.

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Firstly, I'm starting to think I should rub a hanky over our basil plant each morning, then just breathe it in when I'm stressed. It picks me up a little, instantly.

Secondly, I'm pretty sure yesterday's "up" was hormonal, because today I've been so far down that I've seriously been thinking about "the worst" all day. I know how I'd do it, it's too easy, and today I've honestly wanted to go sit in the grass at the end of the garden and say goodbye.

My mind was behaving in a pretty manic erratic way last night. My thoughts were all over the place, skipping and jumping. This happens sometimes. I'm not entirely sure why. I've not even made any medication mistakes recently, either.

So, ummm, today. I can't remember when I woke, etc, this morning. The first thing I really remember was going to spend an hour or so with Mixson and Button before they went to their new home. Very sweetly, Mixson just wanted to sit it my lap. I hope he'll be as happy sitting in the laps of his new humans. Button, on the other hand, wanted to run around like a maniac, attacking her brother as much as possible. I've a feeling that Mixson could sense either that I wasn't feeling right in myself, or that he had change coming. He was off his food last night, too. I've told them both that if life doesn't work out in their new home, they're to come back to me. I have to trust the universe that all will be good for them now.

So, I experienced with them, loss, regret, sadness, love, pride, amusement, and concern. And now I'm crying again.

The rest of the day I've basically spent in the garden room, dozing, playing GTA, and watching something new on Netflix. Katla, I think it's called. 

I've been drifting through sadness, suicidal, hopelessness, fatigue, melancholy, interest, frustration.

Maybe these two days are my psychological reaction to such intense frustration, upset, and anger on Wednesday.

Anyway, Blob thinks I should write Button and Mixson a letter. I might. We'll see. 

Button

Mixson

Bye-bye my babies 💜💜

Les Sentiments d'Hier

Writing the day after again. Given Wednesday's day of stressing out, I was rather surprised yesterday to actually be fairly upbeat and chipper. I fiddled around on BuzzFeed until therapy. Spent a while helping with cats. Fell asleep. Had a shower. Played GTA. Spent ages with kittens, coz Mixson and Button are going today. Watched a horrible Panorama about race horse euthanasie. Then watched a thoroughly confusing program called Rap Game.

So, I remember experiencing:

- laziness

- amusement

- frustration

- concern

- chipper

- upbeat

- friendly

- grateful

- loving

- motivated

- sad

- lonely

- positive

- disgusted

- confused

Les Sentiments D'aujourd'hui

Mostly anxiety this morning. From knowing that I had to go stuff involving a police station, a taxi, and making phone calls. I hate phone calls. I phoned the nice taxi company I discovered a while ago, so a familiar face was reassuring. The police lady who helped me was really nice, for which I was grateful; but her two colleagues were really rude. They made my feel judged, embarrassed, and randomly guilty.

Before any of that though, I spent a little time with the kitties. The cat that came in at the weekend really appreciated a cuddle. We found that he has really really bad teeth though, which is heartbreaking. It means he's in pain and has probably been in pain for a long time, but also means that he's at risk. I feel sick thinking about it.

While I was waiting for the taxi, my staff member friend told me that Mixson and Button have been reserved, being picked up on Saturday. I'm going to cuddle then as much as possible for the rest of the week. I'm sad, as I love Mixson so much, but I'm glad he's going to have a good home, and that they'll be together. I need to their my attention into other kitties. Probably mine.

This afternoon I've basically been asleep. I heard from one of the people I used to volunteer with at that stupid shop. It was really weird hearing from him out of the blue, yet somehow didn't feel like it had been two years. So we had a nice chat through the rest of the day. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Kind of awkward I suppose. Wary.

I've slept through most of this evening, too. I think maybe I got sun stroke yesterday. A rather memorable portion of the evening though, was the storm. It went from literally the hottest day this year, to hailing marbles. The kittens were terrified. I quite enjoyed it though. I like the sound of rain. I was kind of amused by the paths suddenly being flooded. And then annoyed that my shoes got soaked.

- anxious

- reassurance

- judged

- embarrassed

- guilty

- heart breaking

- "sick"

- awkward

- wary

- sad

- glad

- appreciation

- amused

- annoyed

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

I know I wrote yesterday's post this morning, but I'm so knackered that I can't remember doing it. I often find I know things, but can't remember them. That makes no sense to me.

So, let's see, what can I actually remember 🤔

Ah yes, I went to help the member of staff with whom I'm friends, only to find she isn't in on Mondays. I often make this mistake. So, in order to not look as stupid as I felt I went and sat in ISO with the cat that was brought in on Saturday. There was blood on the floor of his pen, he was hunched in the corner, didn't make a peep, just stared at me. He allowed me to stroke his head after I'd sat quietly in there for a while, but growled when I moved my hand to his neck. Seeing him in such a state is heartbreaking, and makes me feel helpless because I'm so powerless to do anything. I wish I ran this place.

I felt fairly ok this morning, so started making another mobile to go outside ISO. I fell asleep part way through, but woke up and finished it. I like completing projects, it gives me a sense of accomplishment. I don't know the word for how I feel when I'm working on a project. Involved? Absorbed? Content? Amused?

I spent a while being annoyed at Blob for yesterday's antics, but being annoyed is too much hard work. I had a good moan to the Tick Doctor about it all. Vented my frustration and desperation. There's another feeling there, but again, I can't put my finger on what it is.

I enjoyed kitten time this evening. They're all naughty little scamps. They'd make me laugh if I had the energy.

I'm exhausted, so I'm going to sleep early.

Today's emotions;

- embarrassed

- sad

- helpless

- powerless

- accomplished

- annoyed

- frustration

- desperation

- amused

- exhausted

Note Pour Moi-Même

Note to self...

When the condition of the kitty that just came in makes me sad

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When a kitty comes in with flu or an injury

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When a kitty tests positive for FIV or FelV

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When I'm worried to death about a cat that won't eat

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When kitty's are crying, and it's breaking my heart

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When a scared kitty hisses or lunges

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When I sit in a pen of an unsocial cat, and make no progress

   That that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When I sit in a pen of and amazing cat who's not been adopted simply because they're black

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When a kitty is lovely, and wants to cuddle or play

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When I bond with a kitty but can't adopt them

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

When a kitty is rehomed and I don't get to say goodbye

   Take that emotion and cuddle my kitties

And always wash my hands between pens, and change my clothes between seeing centre kitties and mine!

Les Sentiments d'Hier

I'm posting the morning after the day before, because by the time I got to bed last night I was totally spent.

So, yesterday happened in two parts.

Nice chilled day. Sat in bed making a mobile to go outside the cat isolation unit, because the cats in there often get lonely and bored, so it'll give them something to look at. Amazingly this took me most of my awake day. I watched a Canadian comedy I've found on Netflix called Kim's Convenience, so watched that whilst tinkering. I was in the garden room because Rob's kids were dumped on us on Saturday. So they were coming in and out of the room to access the garden. The weather was absolutely fantastic!

I enjoy crafting, so I was in a content, interested, mood most of the day. I was fairly amused by the television. A little embarrassed for being in my nightie all day, with the kids walking past me. It was nice to hear Rob putting up the hammock-seat I gave him for his birthday, and to hear the kids loving it, but I'm not sure what emotion that was.

Their mother was supposed to pick them up, but told Rob to take them home at the last minute, which annoyed me. Not long after he left he phoned to tell me that my car had exploded. This confused me, given that he was supposedly some distance away, and my car was on the drive. Turned out he took my car without my permission. Turned out he took my debit card without my permission. Turned out he isn't insured to drive my car. That pretty much sums it up. I went through confusion, frustration, being annoyed, being annoyed, trying to be patient, being annoyed, feeling sad and betrayed and used, and being annoyed some more. It took him 3 hours to get home. He was extremely sorry and trite. There's no point in yelling at him or telling him off. So I just felt so let down and pointless and useless. Helpless.

I was talking to a friend throughout, which helped a lot. I was reassured, and validated. 

And I was exhausted, so just went to sleep. Annoyed.

I'm also annoyed at myself for not taking that opportunity to go outside and practice screaming out loud, as is one of my therapy homeworks.

Soooo, in summary, yesterday I noticed experiencing:

- enjoyment

- content

- interested

- amused

- embarrassed

- satisfied maybe?

- confusion

- frustration

- helpless

- reassured

- validated

- sad

- betrayed

- used

- let down

- pointless

- useless

- exhausted

- annoyed x 7

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Well, lil but of guilt for not doing journal for the last couple of days; but also a bit of smug for having done the poem already.

I've had some lovely cat time today, which has made me feel affectionate, a bit happy, and grateful that they're in my life. 

I spent quite a while discussing, by email, our living situation, with someone I've chatted to a bit before via Twitter. This lead me to feeling anxious, but also conscientious, and grateful again, that someone is confirming my feelings and thoughts. So, validated, too, I suppose.

Blob took me to the beach early this afternoon. Took us an hour to drive the 9 flipping miles. I guess I got irritated at that. Got to the beach, there was a decapitated young seal there which was really off putting. I started burning within about ten minutes, so we left. It was short lived, but I really enjoyed being in the sun and by the sea. Grossed out by the seal though.

Satisfying nap this afternoon. Finished watching Gavin and Stacey, which was a relief, as I really didn't get why everyone raves about it. So that's confusion I think.

I actually can't remember what I've been doing for the last few hours. Rob's kids were dumped on us at the last moment - this irritates me, and that makes me feel guilty. I like the kids being here, but I like a bit of warning. 

So I'm sleeping downstairs. I'll sleep with the doors open so I can hear the night sounds and dawn chorus. This always makes me feel kind of authentic and like I'm closer to home (I've no idea what that emotion is though). I'm looking forward to going to sleep.

So, in summary, that's;

- guilt

- smug

- affectionate

- happy

- grateful

- anxious

- conscientious

- validated

- irritated

- enjoyment

- grossed out

- satisfied

- relieved

- confused

- authentic

- anticipation

Être Vide

One of my therapy assignments this week is to write a poem about what we've been doing; that is trying to teach my mind to feel emotions in the present. Well, poetry doesn't always go according to plan. This has been going around my head, stopping me from sleeping. So here it is...

- - -

Sometimes...

   being blank can feel like being a kite,

   way up high in the sky,

   looking down at the every day people,

   who seem to be so far far away.

Sometimes...

   being blank can feel like being a big lump of rock

   plonked in the middle of a town square

   where people ignore you

      walk around you

      urinate against you

      use you as a prop

   definitely don't notice you.

Sometimes...

   being blank feels like being suffocated

   an opaque plastic bag tied over your head

   the more you try to breathe, the less air there is

   you can see the world carrying on by

   no one caring that you're dying.

And yet, sometimes...

   being blank can be a blessed relief

   from the every day people

   from the people walking by

   from the people using you,

      treating you like crap,

      not noticing you

   from the people suffocating you.

Sometimes...

   being blank is easier.

Friends ™

I've just watched the Friends finale. Over the last couple of weeks I've been watching Friends from the very first episode, through all ten seasons, right to the end. 

If you have emotional issues, I don't recommend binge watching it like I just have.

Pretty much every day I've been in floods of tears at something in one episode or another. I've not included this in my emotion journal, because most of the time I can't explain why I'm crying.

Watching Rachel say goodbye to her friends, though, I think I've finally figured it out. I miss my group of friends, and despite it being five years ago I'm still devastated at how it all fell apart. And I don't know what the word is for this emotion, but knowing that I didn't mean as much to any of them as they meant to me is absolutely heartbreaking.

It seems to still be the case. I don't seem to ever be important to anyone. The fact that I didn't get a single birthday present or card for my last birthday pretty much sums it up for me.

I try to avoid thinking about it most of the time because it does make me cry, and it does make me feel hopeless, like there really is absolutely no reason for living. But there is, my cats, and I don't care how trite anyone thinks that is - I took on the responsibility of their lives, so I intend to see them through. Maybe by then, therapy will have fixed me enough to be happy with just myself.

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Hmmm. I think I'm actually getting irritated by trying to keep track of emotions. That can't be good.

This morning I wanted to sleep, but couldn't, which I found kind of annoying. Eventually instead lying there frustrated though, I decided to get up and help with cattery duties. Throughout these duties I experienced, for various reasons, amusement, concern, anxiety, self consciousness, and interest. Probably some other things. One of the kittens has gone to a new home on her own, which makes me really sad; and acts to remind me that little Mixson will be going one day soon ☹️

I had a lovely snuggly nap with Oni and Gypsy in the garden room, which was comforting and gave me that sort of warm fuzzy feeling that I don't know the word for.

This evening, not much in the way of emotions. I'm amused at the moment, because Gypsy is snoring next to me. I was so proud of her earlier; Bug had a go at Oni, to which Gypsy responded by defending him. I am ashamed that I can't get Bug to behave himself though.

Finally, played GTA a little. Chuffed with the new Survival mission I've found and really enjoy.

So to summarise, today I've identified:

- irritability

- annoyed

- amusement

- concern

- anxiety

- self consciousness

- interest

- sad

- comfort

- pride

- ashamed

- chuffed

- enjoyment

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

I'm not altogether better from yesterday's... whatever that was. My emotions are still kind of distant. I'm kind of comfortable that way. That's probably the whole point that Therapist Fella is getting at.

Let's see...

Blood test at a certain time this morning. Knowing I already felt unwell. Anxiety.

Cuddling Dotty, Ruthie, Mollie, and kinda Bobby. Dotty still doesn't trust people, which makes me feel sad, and slightly frustrated as I don't know how to help her. Ruthie is clearly feeling much happier being in the main cat block, which makes me feel happy, pleased, and loving towards her. Mollie is more interested in escaping the pen than genuinely having attention, which annoyed me. Bobby bit me, which shocked me and left me feeling chastised.

Slept most of the afternoon. Watched Friends a bit. My emotions to up and down a lot watching it because things in it reminds me of the failures in my life a lot. I've nearly finished binge watching it though, so and starting to feel impatient, yet also anxious as I don't know what I'll do with my time when I'm done watching it.

Had a lovely cuddle with Oni, which always makes me feel loving. It should make me happy, but at the moment it actually makes me anxious because he's not as cuddly as usual, which makes me worried as to why.

This evening, didn't like the pizza (cheeseless, obviously) that Blob made, so I felt guilty. And now I'm just tired.

So that's...

- anxious

- sad

- frustration

- happy

- please

- loving

- annoyed

- shocked

- chastised

- impatient

- worried

- guilty

Bleurgh. The more I'm doing this, the more I'm noticing that emotions are changing all the flipping time. It's exhausting!

Un Rêve Fou!

You know when you wake up and you're going about your business, when suddenly you get an image flash in your mind of a dream you had the previous night? Yeah, that just happened. I'm still piecing it together, but seems like it was a crazy one.

As is often the way with dream memories, I can't remember quite how we arrived at the part that I do remember. 

So, there's this group of American-marine type macho guys. They've been given suped up strength and stuff by this kinda cyborg woman.

I don't remember whether they were good or bad, or how they were influencing society, but I do remember that the general feeling towards them was negative. You avoided them if you could.

There's a portion of the dream missing whereby I ended up mixed up with them. A few of my friends did too, but they disappeared from my dream.

We were in an underpass when the macho guys told me to stand against a wall. I was confused. Then these big metal walls came up out of the ground on either side of me, boxing me in. Two of the macho fellas stood against the wall with me. Suddenly the wall opposite came rushing towards us. I thought it would crush us, but it didn't. The thoughts were in slow motion, as the wall then repeatedly rushed towards us, crushing us against the wall. Yet not.

When it stopped, the guys excitedly explained that the reason the crushing didn't crush me was because I'd been turned into one of them. They asked how I'd found it, how scared I'd been, to which I responded that I'd wished I'd put my feet properly against the wall behind me at the beginning, as every time the wall in front rushed at me my heels were being banged against it. They were a little disappointed that I hadn't poohed myself or something.

So, I was taken to their lodgings place, where we all kind of hung around in their room waiting for... 🤷🏻‍♀️ It was kind of stinky and very boring.

After a little bit I started feeling unwell so asked if I could lie down on one of the fellas beds. Things were getting weird, like I was experiencing my environment as if someone was pressing fast forward, rewind, pause, fast forward, pause, etc. I tried explaining it to them but they ignored me.

I started to panic, so tried to run from the room. I discovered that most of the windows had bars on them, and noticed that it was raining outside.

At some point I realised that the cyborg woman was now a part of me. You'd think I'd object but I didn't, I realised that I could use her powers, since she was obviously more powerful than the macho guys.

Some woman who was on my side showed me an unbarred window and opened it for me. I climbed out, and using the cyborg woman's powers I turned the rain into a super cube electric highway that I could escape along in the form of electric cube energy.

As you do!

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Today has been a weird one as it's been totally overridden by my physical health. I'm writing this at 1:30am after a bit of proper sleep.

Ok, so I have this weird phenomenon that I'm not quite sure how to describe. It's as if the nerve cells in my digestive system are oversensitive. Most of the time it's merely a discomfort that I can only really describe as feeling "squiggly", but on days like today they override everything.

I have talked to doctors about it. One of my GPs explained that it's quite literally the definition of IBS - I'm describing the bowel being irritable. The Pain Clinic specialist didn't understand it at all, so told me to cut out lactose, gluten, sugars, anything acidic, and to reduce meat and carbohydrates. I don't know what that leaves me to eat, so I've not been able to follow her advice. Although I imagine it would lead to rapid weight loss, so maybe I should 🤔

I probably need to talk to a neurologist about it really, as it's the nerves that seem to be the problem.

Anyway, what happened today was that I woke up feeling bloated and unwell. The kiddies were running around the house so I didn't want to use the bathroom yet. However, as I waited, I felt worse and worse, so I did go to the bathroom. It seemed that the problem was just that I needed a big pooh. My large intestine was full, pressing on the underside of my stomach, which was making me feel sick. (It may be worth noting here that I lack the usual sensation that tells you when you need a number two, so it's very often pressure under my stomach that informs me). This isn't unusual for me, so I just got on with it, and went back to bed to wait for the triggered nerves to stop bugging me.

They didn't.

When this happens it's kind of as if I become disconnected from the rest of my body. I feel all floaty. I feel like I'm looking at myself from outside. I basically can't function much at all; it's like a really really bad M.E. day, but I don't think it's caused by the same biological mechanism. So, the signals being sent to my body instructing it on how to work aren't happening properly. My legs become too heavy to walk. I can't instruct my muscles upon how to sit up. I can't really form cohesive thoughts. Watching TV makes me feel sicker. I can't cope with noises, it's as if they're amplified tenfold.

So, I spent today on the bed in the garden room, drifting in and out of sleep. Or consciousness. I'm not sure how to tell the difference. I don't recall dreaming though.

Later this afternoon when the kids were particularly noisy, I waddled up the garden a few metres, and lay on the lawn to sleep instead.

In the garden I noticed that my brain was picking up on green again. This is another thing that happens occasionally. Everything green becomes a lot lot... greener (for lack of a better word), and anything not green becomes somewhat greyer than usual.

So, with regards to feelings, it's difficult to say. I was experiencing a kind of wistfulness most of the day. Normally sleeping a lot makes me annoyed at myself, but today I was not. Normally noises bothering me, irritate me, but today they did not.

In the garden I was feeling a kind of loving admiration feeling, towards nature, and a curiosity as to which bird species I was hearing. A lot of affection to my cats, as they kept coming to check on me. 

That's about it though. The only thing I can really think that I was feeling for most of the day was a kind of thankfulness. When I have these experiences it feels like a kind of full bodied relief. So maybe the gratefulness is because physically I'm not feeling the pain I usually have everywhere, just feeling the weirdness in my digestive system.

I noticed that I was still experiencing the undertone of sadness though. It's just always there.

In summary, the emotions I think I've experienced that are;

- wistfulness

- admiration

- curiosity

- affection

- thankfulness

- sadness

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Today's feelings feel a little more distant than they did yesterday. I can't really remember this morning. I think I mostly spent it asleep.

About midday I decided I wanted to play GTA, to see if Mercenary Man was online. So that would be motivation and curiosity I think. I became restless fairly quickly though, and switched to watching Netflix again. 

Right after I switched Mercenary Man sent me a message saying he'd just joined my game when I left it. So I went back in, but he wasn't there. This resulted in a little frustration, as I couldn't make myself feel interested enough in GTA to play on my own.

He appeared not long later though, so I was happy, and we had fun. I always feel quite insecure talking to him. I suppose it's the nearest I have to social interaction, so that's probably why.

I started feeling queasy after a while (slow frame rate can do this to me, even if I can't tell it's slow), so I logged off intending to take a nap. I got annoyed at myself because napping didn't happen.

I've not felt great since, which has manifested in me not enjoying my kitten time this evening. I feel restless and nauseated. 

But I can definitely identify that I'm really annoyed this evening. Blob admitted to me that he's still lying to me so the flipping time. Usually about financial matters. It annoys me because he isn't trusting me to help him sort certain things out; and because his finances directly affect my life and what I can and cannot do. Aaaaargh!

So, today I've identified;

- curiosity

- restlessness

- frustration

- happy

- enjoyment

- insecurity

- annoyance

Égoïsme Positif

We generally think of selfishness as being a bad thing. Today I've been selfish, but I don't think it's necessarily bad. There are things I need to get done, such as writing the PIP document (which would trigger anxiety), putting all my clothes away (which I know would exhaust me), etc; but I chose instead to play with make-up.

I feel guilty doing something like this, for several reasons. Firstly, the aforementioned things that I feel I should be doing. I'm the only person judging me on those though. Secondly, because on the days when I can use the brushes and things required to do make-up, I feel that I shouldn't, because I have this paranoia from years of dealing with the DWP that they'll somehow find out I put make-up on for the first time this year, and assume I can do it all the time. Thirdly, I feel that at my age it's weird to enjoy playing with make-up. I grew up with two of my four parents using the phrase "mutton dressed as lamb" quite a lot - so I feel that anyone who sees me wearing make-up will judge me that way; though the only people who actually saw it were a couple of friends to whom I sent pictures.

Anyway.... I think it's important to sometimes do things like this. Putting make up on, even if it doesn't work out the way you wanted, is a way of boosting your confidence, and showing yourself self value. I don't do it enough. This is the first time I've put make-up on this year. I tend to leave it too long between hair colourings. Self care such as bathing, looking after myself, etc, I find extremely challenging. (That's partly why I'm so overweight). So, I feel that today I made a small step in the right direction. It would be nice to get back to doing this sort of thing more regularly.

Les Sentiments d'Aujourd'hui

Therapy homework: emotions journal.

Today has been pretty positive. I've been motivated to do stuff instead of sleeping all day. Though that motivation was towards selfish activities rather than constructive activities. 

I should be writing a document to send towards my PIP Mandatory Reconsideration. I've written a lot of it, but today thinking about doing so made me feel physically sick, which I think is anxiety.

Kittens made me feel all melty again. It's a kind of maternal loving feeling. I hate the word "maternal" though, so want to try and find an alternative word.

This evening I've been kind of bored. I'm no less motivated, but I've run out of steam for today. I'm still only part way through binge watching Friends, but am getting kind of irritated by it. On the other hand it's triggering creative thoughts, in that I keep trying to imagine a modern day version of Friends.

I've noticed also, that whatever else is doing on, I always seem to have this background feeling of slight sadness. It's a similar feeling to when you're on the edge of tears, but it's like it's sat just behind me.

So, today I've recognised: positivity, motivation, selfishness, anxiety, kitten-loviness, boredom, irritability, creativity, sadness.

Un Petit Devoir

So, following yesterday's therapy session my homework this week is simply to try to continue noting my feelings every day. I'm going to go separate blog posts for them, as it got messy last week.

Also of note, therapist blokee identified that I feel rage towards the adults that surrounded me as a kid. And that makes me sad.

I forgot to do yesterday's. Yesterday I was feeling quite upbeat and motivated. Following therapy I began feeling anxious, but kitten cuddling soon distracted me and gave me light fluffy feelings on my tummy.

This morning so far I'm feeling a little anxious, a little hopeful that I'll be motivated to get stuff done today, but also kind of lazy and fatigued and tempted to go back to sleep.

Devoirs de Thérapie

So, last week I had the homework of spending ten minutes a day assessing the feelings I'd experienced that day. The result of this was a whole lot of nothing. For years and years I've struggled to know what I'm feeling. I can usually tell you what I was feeling 24 hours previously, but not what I'm feeling in the moment.

As such, this week my homework is to assess what I was feeling 24 hours prior to doing the homework. I this end I'll update this post throughout the week.

Yesterday; mostly I was bored, and frustrated because I was bored. I was very fatigued, but annoyed with myself for allowing myself to sleep so much. In the evening I was feeling delicate and sensitive, though I didn't know why. During my cat duty times though, I felt happy and loving. I wonder if maybe part of feeling sensitive at the moment is because I know the kittens I've worked so hard with will be going to new homes soon.

. . .

Ha! Lol. I can't believe I put "yesterday" as if each day won't be yesterday when I'm writing about it the following day. Ho hum.

It's nearly 6am Friday morning now. I actually can't recall yesterday's feelings yet, other than feeling an overlaying muddle of confusion. However, I think it's worth noting that my period has started. So the delicate sensitive feeling would have actually been my hormones shifting. Stupid hormones. I actually thought I was getting somewhere with feeling stuff. *Sigh*

Ok, it's now evening, and I can't say that I recall how I felt yesterday much better, now, than I could this morning. I can't really remember much of what I actually did yesterday, which doesn't help. The only thing I can really remember is sitting in Mixson's pen cuddling him, because every time I tried to leave, he cried. I love that little kitten; I'm going to have a really rough time when he's old enough to go to a forever home. I think the crying was probably mostly due to stupid menstrual hormones. I do also believe that my hormones react to kittens as if they're human babies though, so that may also have played a part in the crying.

. . .

And the next yesterday!

This isn't working. I can't even remember what I did yesterday, let alone what I was feeling throughout. 

Mostly, anyway.

I can remember that TheMercenaryMan joined us on GTA for the first time in ages, so we did some Heist prep. It was nice to hear him again. It felt a bit strained though. Not sure whether that was him, myself, or Blob 🤷🏻‍♀️

I also remember sitting crying in one of the kitten pens, but I can't remember why, or whether I actually knew why at the time.

But yesterday daytime.... I'm sure I did something. No idea what though.

However, there's today, and I am feeling things today. I don't like it. Maybe, if Mr Therapist is right, and I suppress emotions, it's because they hurt too much. I don't seem to experience the good ones very often.

There was this time a few years ago, when I was living in a house I loved, with a beautiful garden and a park to walk the cats around behind the house; I was in better health than I had been for some time, heading to "work" where I volunteered upcycling furniture with someone I got on really well with. Every day was different, every day was fun, I knew what I was doing, I felt a little as if I belonged. It was summer, a beautiful day, I was driving, listening to the birds, enjoying the countryside and the warmth of the sun on my skin, and I thought to myself "this is what happy feels like". It was one moment. In that moment I understood that it was the culmination of things that created a moment of happiness. And I knew that I'd have to put a pin in that moment so that I could recall what happiness felt like.

That isn't to say I've never felt it before. But it's been seldom. As a child I was very aware that I wasn't happy. I remember twice trying to talk to my supposedly nice brother about it. He told me I was being silly both times. 

Genuinely, all I want from life is to feel happy more often. I'd like the every day background humdrum feeling to be a contentedness that I also don't experience at the moment. An upgrade from depression please.

So, anyway, today I'm pretty low. This could be due to menstrual hormones again. That might be why I can recognise my feelings in the moment, too. 

I just kind of woke up feeling low, and already fatigued, and struggled to put one thought in front of another. I popped into the kittenry at 5:30am to feed the little ones, but struggled to get back to sleep afterwards.

I think, possibly, that fatigue drags my mood down quite significantly. And adversely, feeling low makes me fatigued. Vicious fucking circle. I sleep a lot. But, to be honest, I'm quite often at my happiest or most content when I'm sleeping.

Cleaned the rat cages today. That was ok. I was my usual irritable self throughout. I don't know why cleaning cages makes me irritable, since it is something I do actually like doing. I've always been a snappy bitch to whomever is helping me though.

Mr Therapist sent me a link to a video to watch. It made me think a lot and feel complicated things. I need to watch it again and make notes, so I'll probably blog that separately. The long and short of it is that our childhood shapes our psychological future. And the stresses that we experience in life cause physical illnesses. A lot of it is stuff I already agree with, but hadn't really put it into linear thought before. My general conclusion is that I'm fucked. I just feel like I'm a broken mess, and all the glue in the world can't fix me, and it's so hard trying. 

Sooooo... Watched some Friends; the episodes where Ross and Rachel split up. I hadn't seen them before. Well, that made me cry. But me being me, I had to cry silently, which can be quite an art form. I don't know why I do it. I think, probably, because I don't want people to know that I'm crying, even if "people" is only Blob. 

Checked on cats and kittens. Discovered that Dory has been reserved - she's the one we'd applied to adopt because she's so similar to my Mitten who passed away two years ago. It hurts me that they don't even have the decency here to turn us down. And it makes me kind of scared that when it's Mixson's time to go to a new home, I won't be told, so won't get to say goodbye. 

He really has my heart, that little fella. It's probably bad that I hate that fact. It's only been a few weeks, but it's been hard work, and was quite traumatic when Sorrel died. I hate that my emotions are so easily wrapped up in animals, but not in humans at all.

So, anyway, to finish off today, I'm lying in bed crying my eyes out (as quietly as possible, obviously). Come tomorrow, I probably won't remember any of this. Stupid brain.

. . .

Ok, so now I'm trying to think about yesterday and can't really remember how I felt. Again. I'm starting to wonder whether I got muddled up when talking to Mr Therapist, in telling him that I can't tell how I feel until the following day, when in actuality the fact is that I can't remember what I've been doing for 24 to 48 hours. I think both are true, but I'm having serious trouble remembering feelings. 

Sooooo, I'm going to reread yesterday's garble up see if it jogs my memory...

//Read it//

Lol. I got it right when I said I wouldn't remember any of it. From reading about how I was feeling yesterday, I can remember the anguished crying, and the disappointment at the lack of respect, but I cannot re-feel them.

That type of crying is very painful. I learnt sometime ago to open mother scream without actually releasing sound. When I'm distressed I'm very aware of how much noise I'm making. If I need to sniff or snivel I bury my head in soft furnishings to hide the sound; usually a cushion, but it could be blankets or clothing. Trying to breathe without making the hiccuping noises that often happen with crying, is probably the biggest challenge.

I've found in recent years that you can have tears running down your face, but so long as you keep your voice steady, and look at people the way you would normally, they don't even notice that you're crying. It's as if people aren't really looking.

So, anyway, the fact that I was crying in that way means that I was really quite upset yesterday, though I didn't know why. I'm guessing it was probably triggered by the psychology video. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I watch it again to make notes.

As for today... I think I've been ok. A bit grumpy this morning, but nothing worrisome. I've enjoyed kitten time, instead of experiencing the predicted feelings of loss that'll come with rehoming them all. I played a little GTA, but got bored quickly, felt restless, yet fell asleep 🤷🏻‍♀️

Une Autre Séance de Thérapie

Well, I've just finished today's therapy session. The conclusion of which was homework to allow myself to feel. The reason being that I pretty much don't know how to.

So I'm kind of left wondering how the heck to fulfill the homework.

Having said that though, I do feel vulnerable since we closed the session. And tearful. And really kind of confused.

And my automatic reaction is to put the TV on and probably fall asleep. Bury my head and pretend nothing happened. My brain is very naughty.

I think I'll tell him next week that the cat ate my homework.

Le Journal Des Rêves

It's been a while since I've had one of my psychedelic dreams. But here's a puzzler...

. . . . .

I'm not sure how the dream started. The first bit I remember was that I had gone out for an evening with one of my flatmates from university. In the dream I had gone out to spite my parents, but I'm not sure if I just knew that, or whether there's a bit of dream that I'm not remembering.

Most of the dream was set around a particular building. We'd gone to London, to a bar that was in a grand Victorian building that was on the corner of a street, with thick pavements outside and a row of bus stops. The bar was big but quiet, a few pairs of patrons dotted around.

We approached the bar. My Flatmate held up his finger and told me just a minute, before disappearing through a pair of big doors by the entrance. I ordered myself a beer (🤷🏻‍♀️). For some reason I was carrying a silver tankard that I'd bought somewhere. I asked the bar tender if they thought it was clean enough to drink from, tilted the tankard towards them to show them the dusty innards, to which I received a firm no. So I kind of shrugged to myself and drank the beer from the glass. I drank the whole beer; that's never gonna happen in real life!

As I finished, people started streaming into the bar from the double doors my flatmate had gone through. This is when I realised that the bar was attached to a theatre. The bar became full and claustrophobic, and I couldn't see whether my flatmate was in there or not, so I went to wait outside where there were people milling about the bus stops.

I appeared to have two phones in my pockets, but couldn't work out which one was mine. I somehow accidentally ended up phoning Sacha Baron Cohen, though thankfully he didn't answer. 

One of the ladies at the bus stop said to me that she hated swinging. Puzzled, I asked her why she was telling me this, so she explained that the people hanging around the bus stops were there to meet up for swinging. I pondered to myself why she was there if she didn't like it.

We were then pushed apart from each other by people with those red position rope things, who were preparing a route up the middle of the pavement for a parade. I noticed that I was suddenly surrounded by women in beautiful sarees, adorned with stunning jewellery, who were lining the parade route keenly waiting to see someone who turned out to be a prince. He was single, so many of the women were simpering, begging him to choose them. He was a massive fella, naked, being carried on a very low stretcher. Many of his entourage were also naked, though thankfully I saw no male appendages. The non naked entourage looked like the writers of Disney's Aladdin had dressed them.

As the parade disappeared up the way, I realised that because I'd been facing the theatre / bar building I'd not been paying attention to what was happening behind me. They're was a lot of hooting and tyre screeching going on. As I turned around it seemed that three buses were trying to fit into the space of one, at the same bus stop. I jumped backwards as one came on to the pavement, behind the bus stop. Wendy, the lady who'd talked to me about swinging hopped on to the corner as it passed by. Not knowing what else to do, I scampered after her, following the bus on foot. There was a big crowd of us doing this. The lady next to me was a really short lady who'd been standing near me during the parade. She was very chatty, calling me by my birth name. I asked her how she knew my name. She hung her head and said she'd given herself away. She said she was following me because she wanted to know about the person her husband was having an affair with. I then had to persuade her that she'd got the wrong person, but it was interesting that she had the right name.

She slumped down on the ground, leaning against a huge wooden sign, and started scrolling through her phone. I realised that the sign was for a fair associated with the parade, and that we'd been separated by the bus followers, ending up in a park where this fair was taking place. Looking around myself I realised I was surrounded by fun rides and general fair things, but that they all had a Hindu / Buddhist theme to them. I asked myself how I'd ended up there again, and left.

I realised that someone had pick pocketed me, taking my money, so I headed to the station. As I got there it occurred to me that they'd also taken my train ticket home. I went to a guard to explain this to them, hoping that they might be able to look up who purchased what and allow me on a train. He took me aside though, telling me he'd take me to the right person to sort it out, leading me into corridors and tunnels that the public don't usually see. He told the fella that he'd taken me to that I'd been robbed, someone had taken my money, my phones, hacked my bank account, and some other stuff, while I was stood by unable to interrupt and correct him. All I wanted was my ticket home.

As with the beginning of the dream, I can't quite remember the end. There was something about being in a car that became stuck alongside a caravan in the car park of a church, but I'm not sure how I got there, or how I escaped.

Listening To The Rain

Listening to the rain

Crying tears of desperation

Hiding fears, anticipation

Singing my song.

Grieving, in pain

Pulling hair, but nothing feeling

Scared, and tired, and mind a-reeling

Everything feels wrong.

and here I am again

Empty eyes and stony hearted

Pondering my dear departed

Murmuring this song.

Et... Un Mariage, Mais Pas Le Mien

On Sunday just gone, I learnt that on the Saturday Mr Flibbles had got married. I knew it was coming, but didn't actually know when. The first I knew of it was when one of my friends messaged me to ask how I was. When she explained that she was asking in reference to his getting married, my brain kind of shut down. 

Thinking about it a little I found that I felt a bit bitter. I found that I actually hoped that it won't last. I realised that at the back of my mind I still feel that he and I are connected, that something would put us back together one day.

It was my honest gut reaction, but it's a selfish one and I know that. Genuinely I want him to be happy, and I hope that Little Miss Smug can cope with him better than I could. Cognitively I do know that we'll never be together again; it's just that my cognitive brain and emotional brain are often not on the same page.

So, come today's therapy session, I was feeling sad, and I knew I was feeling sad, and told Mr Therapist that I was feeling sad. He's not used to me knowing how I feel.

We discussed it a little. I tried to not cry, a lot. I recognise that I don't know how to grieve. I didn't know that grieving is something we're taught; so I've basically learnt that grief = head in sand. Not healthy. 

And so, this week's homework is for me to write a goodbye letter to Mr Flibbles. And because I didn't know how to take the matter seriously, I've been given a format to follow. The result is below. It's probably a bit weird. You can't see the smudged ink on the screen, but trust me that you would if it were a printed page.

Dear lovely wonderful person with whom I wanted to spend my life,

I remember the way you had my back when I needed someone to phone stupid companies for me.

I remember the way you would reach across a table to take my hand, just to hold it.

I remember the way you obsess over one thing for a while, then totally switch tack to something else.

I remember the way you would push me away every time you were in hospital.

I remember the way you wouldn't make me a priority.

I remember when you invited all of my friends to stay for my first birthday with you.

I remember when you encouraged me to start my online shop.

I remember when you didn't want me at your birthday because you were embarrassed to be with me.

I remember when we were first intimate together.

I remember when we adopted Rufus. And Oni.

I remember when we let Mr Millionaire stay with us. Oops!

I remember how you looked when you graduated.

I remember how you looked when you were annoyed with me.

I remember how you looked when you learnt that I was seeing Mr CarCrash.

I remember when you told me about CF.

I remember when you told me you were proud of me. You were the first person to ever say that to me.

I remember when you told me that you would never be the one for me, that we'd never work, that I should be with FuckWit.

I remember when you told me to be with Kitsune.

The clearest memory I have of you is of your hugs.

The clearest memory I have of you is seeing how people are always drawn to you.

The clearest memory I have of you is the feeling of bathing in sunshine just by being around you.

The clearest memory I have of you, is of you taking Rufus' body, because I couldn't cope with it.

I wish I wasn't such a fucked up fuck up that I fucked everything up with you.

I wish that we didn't have such toxic arguements.

I wish I'd known how to soothe you, and show you how I cherished you.

I wish that Rufus hadn't died because of our stupid human relationship politics.

I wish that you were here right now, giving me a hug and telling me that all of this has just been a nightmare.

I always wanted to tell you that you're the only person I've truly fallen in love with.

I always wanted to tell you that you're absolutely amazing at everything you do.

I always wanted to tell you that I was never worthy of your attention, let alone to be with you.

I was afraid to tell you how angry I was at your parents.

I was afraid to tell you how much I absolutely loathe myself.

I was afraid to tell you when I wasn't coping, and needed you to emotionally support me.

I wish I had told you that DMX couldn't compare with you, not even a little.

I wish I had told you, when you were screaming and arguing at me, that everything was ok, everything would be ok, and just held you until you calmed down.

I wish I had told you that I knew that I was selfish and irritable, but that I didn't want to be.

I wish I had known that pushing me towards FuckWit was a defense mechanism.

I wish I had known how to fix us.

I wish I had known how to stand up for myself.

I also wish you'd have let me contribute financially.

I also wish we hadn't allowed Smev to attempt to mediate with us.

I also wish that we were still really close friends now.

I wish you had known this me, who's moods are medicated more effectively.

When I was with you I usually felt at home. Comfortable. Safe.

When I was with you I usually felt irritable; I didn't know that the irritability was part of my depression / anxiety, and I needed a medication change. I didn't know that my mental health was sabotaging our relationship.

When I was with you I usually felt fairly positive.

I felt happiest when you spent time with me, especially if you showed attention.

I felt happiest when we shared rat o'clock in the evenings.

I felt happiest when we'd have deep long intelligent conversations.

I felt most loved when you held my hand.

I felt most loved when you showed that you understood me.

I felt most loved when we just existed together. I felt like we were a choreographed dance.

I felt angriest when you would make arguments out of the most stupid things.

I felt angriest when you made me feel second rate. 

I felt angriest when you wouldn't include me, but wouldn't even give me warning that I wasn't included.

I felt the most hurt when you blamed me for separate rooms.

I felt the most hurt when I woke up after overdosing, and found that you'd just left me there. Or you hadn't noticed that I'd been asleep for 48 hours.

I felt the most hurt when you let me go.

I felt the most afraid when you were in hospital.

I felt the most afraid when you attempted dating that woman.

I felt the most afraid when I thought I'd lose you.

I felt the most guilt when I ended up with FuckWit.

I felt the most guilt when someone I invited into our house accidentally killed Tinker.

I felt the most guilt when ... just always. Because of how things started. Because I hurt you. Because of my health being so crap that I couldn't contribute the way I'd like to. Because we were living in your parents house. Because I wasn't good enough for you, and our lives were on hold, and I was such an unstable nutcase.

I felt the most shame when we'd argue, and I'd reach the end of my tether.

I felt the most shame when I'd spend all day every day at home, whilst you who was hospitalised by your health quite frequently, were working 4 full days a week.

I felt the most shame when you'd bring up things that had hurt you, during arguments, that I hadn't realised were bothering you.

I wanted to make you happy.

I wanted to be important to you.

I wanted to spend my life with you.

I needed you to make me a priority. That doesn't mean drop everything you do, but communicate with me about what's going on 

I needed to be able to make the house our home.

I needed therapy!

I needed motivation and purpose.

I accept that you got married.

I accept that you have totally changed, and left me behind.

I accept that you are happy without me, and happier without me.

I accept that you have probably turned me into a villain in your head.

I understand that you went through hell with me.

I understand that you may remember things differently than I do.

I understand that you have moved on.

The last time I saw you, you didn't even make eye contact with me.

The last time I saw you, it pissed me off that your missus gave me such a smug, knowing, look, as you left.

The last time I saw you, I wanted to hold you and never let go.

When you left ... [it was me that left, so I'm going to change this one] ...

When I left I don't think I really realised that it was the end.

When I left I think I was kind of relieved to be going into a house that would supposedly be a home, but I hadn't realised how much of home was in you, and even in that bland giant house that I hated.

When I left I was still completely in love with you.

Since you’ve been gone ... [need to change it again] ...

Since we've been apart I still felt like we were together.

Since we've been apart I've grown in so many ways, but often thought of how I'd enjoy discussing them with you, and how impressed and proud you'd be.

Since we've been apart I've got really really fat.

I miss the way you always make everything look so easy.

I miss the way you would take my side, pretty much always.

I miss the way you hugged.

When I think about you now I feel so sad.

When I think about you now I cry.

When I think about you now I miss you with a pain so raw that it feels like it'll rip me apart.

I want to tell you I’m sorry about every fucking thing I ever said or did that hurt you.

I want to tell you I'm sorry that I have a screwed up bonce of mental health crap.

I want to tell you I'm sorry if I leant on you too hard, or made you feel that I was using you.

I want to thank you for the time we spent together.

I want to thank you for not just cutting me out of your life in one swoop.

I want to thank you for tolerating me.

Most of all, I want to tell you that I love you, but I don't want to anymore, as I know I need to let you go.

Yours sincerely,

Olana

Laisse-Moi Tranquille

I've had it. Seriously, I've just had enough. The fucking DWP have decided that I'm perfectly well and don't need any disability money. They scored me zero on every single aspect. I must be cured, hurrah, I can't wait to tell my doctors, to go get a job, start a family, live a normal life.... Oh wait.

Here's the thing. I applied for Change of Circumstances two years ago, because I had become a lot more ill. They've messed me around no end since this application.

Hypothetically, I could have made a new application for PIP instead, even though I was already receiving it. To anyone who's thinking of applying for Change of Circumstances, I encourage you to make the new application, instead. Supposedly, you can continue with the original claim if the new one messes up. Supposedly.

Since I made the application for CoC they've scored me zero twice, but they reinstate it upon mandatory reconsideration. At one time they discontinued the PIP because I supposedly didn't attend the assessment at my home; that their assessor couldn't find, so he didn't turn up They have also accused me of not attending a phone assessment that they didn't give me time to answer; honestly, I had the phone in my hand, it rang once and stopped.

Every time they discontinue the money, I have to then contact all the companies I'm supposed to be paying direct debits to, explain the situation, and hope that PIP will be reinstated so that I can pay the debts that build up.

And that's the idea isn't it; to stress people out so much that we'll be grateful to receive the lower rate, even though we qualify for the higher rate.

The PIP I receive (or was receiving) pays for my therapy, osteopathy, chiropracty. It pays for me to have things delivered, since I can't go out to get stuff. It also pays most of my bills, though the DWP argue that people aren't supposed to use it to pay bills, as it's intended to help with needs caused by the disability. I do receive ESA, too, but literally half of the ESA goes on council tax alone. So.... 🤷🏻‍♀️

At the moment I'm also on the lesser rate of ESA. My intention has been to get PIP sorted out before trying to sort out ESA, as losing both at the same time would be absolutely detrimental. However, the two year wait before I can sort it out is kind of getting on my nerves.

I've been ill since I was 22. When I was first ill the DWP told me I'd have to live on loans. So I did to start with. Eventually someone put me straight, I made claims, and paid off those loans. Since making that first claim though I've been messed around over and over and over. 

The DWP never make it easy. I understand that they wish to avoid benefit fraud, though given that such fraud is less than 2%, I often wonder whether it's worth punishing all the legitimate claimants. I also often wonder whether the rate of suicide they cause is higher than the rate of fraud. The fact that the amount of legitimate potential claims that go unclaimed is A LOT more than is lost to fraud, should be taken into account; as too should the fact that the amount lost to clerical error is higher than the amount of fraud. Seriously, why can't they clear up their own backyard before pooping all over everyone else's?

It baffles me that any Decision Maker can look at cases from people who have been ill with progressive or chronic illnesses for decades, and decide that there is no evidence that the person is ill. In my case, now, they do have fresh evidence from within the last few months, but they seem to think they don't. Previous claims, in cases of illnesses that do not go away, however, should be considered as evidence.

And so yeah, I'm fed up, I'm stressed, and since I've been bordering suicidal for a while already, this really isn't helping. I just want a break. I'd like a few years whereby my adrenaline isn't being constantly triggered, during which I can receive therapy to sort my stupid brain out, and learn routines that will help me live some kind of orderly life. But with the idiotic chaos of my finances caused by idiots in government who have no idea at all what it's like on the breadline, that's never going to happen.

It comes to something when your American therapist knows how awful the DWP are!

Le Petit Chaton est Mort

Today, one of the kittens I was part hand-rearing, died.

Three of them came in a few days ago. Supposedly newborn, but their mum had been scared away. So, the first afternoon they were tucked up with me while I fed them every couple of hours. They were then introduced to one of the mum's who had older kittens so that they could feed naturally. She took them on beautifully. 

However, the following day, for some reason, one of the staff decided to split the 3 babies between the two nursing mum's. So the first mum was confused and looking for two kittens she'd been looking after, whilst in the second nest the older kittens were very roughly pushing the little ones out of the way. Both adult cats were (and still are) excellent foster mum's.

Today though, when I went in this morning, the mum of the rougher kittens had moved the entire litter out of the nest and into the litter tray. She looked terrified. Something had clearly spooked her. I put the babies back in the nest; she inspected each one and seemed relieved that they were ok and settled down with them.

I had put the two little ones in my lap for their hand feeding. I noticed that the female was kind of listless. I fed the boy first, then turned my attention to her. As I stroked her she came to and I fed her a little. I gave her back to the mother, and put myself back to bed. (First feed is about 5am).

I had a text just after 8am, asking me to go to the cattery. Thoughts running through my head, was the little girl dead, had I not locked up right, I couldn't think. They just said to me that they thought something wasn't right with her. I went to check and again she was listless, but this time when I touched her she screamed. 

She just kept screaming. At first I assumed she was constipated, so I spent a few hours trying to get her to pooh. Tummy massage, back massage, stimulation obviously, a tiny bit of oil, watered down feed, gently drumming my fingers down her back. She was falling asleep every ten minutes or so, and when asleep she was clearly dreaming about feeding.

I spoke to two vets and read as much as I could online. I don't understand what happened, but all I can think is that she either inhaled a little of the milk last night, or swallowed an air bubble. It could be neither, but I can't think of anything else.

She died. I had a nap this afternoon, and when I went back to check on her she'd already passed away. Still warm, but CPR did nothing for her.

Her foster mummy cat was distraught. She kept calling her. Poor mum had already lost one of her own litter last week.

And me. I cried as if this tiny soul was one of my own. I cried for Seth, and Mitten, and Rufus, and this little girl, all in one go.

That is to say that I'm still crying, but it's more of a weep now. The cry from the pain of having my heart wrenched out has passed for now. It'll return.

And this evening I kind of started to understand how people bond to their babies. I have no maternal instinct whatsoever. Human babies freak me out. But a few days looking after this little mite, and she had me completely invested.

The really weird thing is that each time I hand rear kittens my boobs get big. When I took on these babies I even had a weird mid cycle bleed. So maybe I'm just naturally attuned to the pheromones from baby animals, or even just kittens, rather than human babies.

Stoopid Meds

So, for complex reasons, I wasn't able to take my medication last night. Often when this happens I'll sleep unusually well, and feel a bit over sensitive the following day. This morning though, I had an almighty nightmare that just won't leave me alone.

It was incredibly intricate and detailed, as mine usually are. There was stuff about moving into new flats, and My ex husband's parents moving someone into the same building, and my flat being burnt down, and my parents were in it but I can't remember why, and the was a shop that I was in with a friend but I'm not sure.

In part of the dream that seems to be blocked from me now remembering the actual details, I was raped. By the same person that did it to me in real life in 2015. 

The dream was then kind of about seeing him everywhere, and him taunting me that no-one will ever believe me; and then for some reason I was shopping with him, buying him greetings cards that I was kind of using in a passive aggressive way to show him that he was a nasty person. 

I can see the expression on his face. I'd forgotten what he looked like really, and especially forgotten the snide, smug, expressions he makes. I don't want to see it again. I want them to go away.

Passive Suicidal Ideation

I can't really write about most of today's therapy session. Mostly because I spent half the session having a meltdown over the subject we were trying to broach. Also because if I try to write about that subject I'll have another meltdown.

I learnt two things in that session though. Firstly, it became apparent that my memory has written off an entire year without me realising it. I can't really elaborate on that until we explore it further. Secondly, I experience "Passive Suicidal Ideation".

All. The. Time.

I had never heard of it before. This goes some way to highlighting how absolutely terrible mental health services are in the UK. I've seen NHS councillors. I've had counselling through MIND. I've had councillor with a mental health nurse for several years. I've seen a psychiatrist. None of them mentioned Passive Suicidal Ideation. Even when I was in suicide watch it didn't crop up.

Most people understand the notion of Suicidal Ideation meaning that someone wants to kill themselves. Passive Suicidal Ideation is basically wanting to be dead, but not wanting to do anything about it.

I'm not sure of my reason for not wanting to do anything about it. I usually tell professionals that it's because I don't want to cock it up and make life even worse for myself. That is true, but I don't think it's my whole reason. 

I've felt so strongly sometimes, that I want to be gone, that I've wished that someone else would just kill me. I've been through phases of walking the streets at night in dodgy places, in the hope that someone would get rid of me. I sometimes take stupid risks, or behave what would seem irresponsibly to people who don't understand. 

I can't say that life isn't worth living, because it is; if you have the brain chemistry for it! I've experienced genuine happiness a few times. Those times have made me so incredibly envious of anyone who experiences glimpses of happiness, joy, contentedness, most days. I just generally feel blank.

My current reason for not behaving so erratically is my cats. I genuinely love them, and feel responsible for their well being. There are 9 of them. It would be difficult to separate them into groups without breaking any bonds. I'm well aware that humans are selfish arseholes and wouldn't home them according to their needs, anyway. There's also the fact that they've been through a lot emotionally already. They're all very strongly bonded with me. I don't want to cause them another heartbreak. 

Maybe it sounds like excuses. Maybe that's what the mental health professionals I've talked to previously hear. I have often felt judged because my type of suicidal wasn't good enough for the professionals. Not real enough. They can't see it until someone is vomiting pills or slits their wrists.

For the record, I do know how I would end it if I decide to do it myself. But I won't write it here, because I don't want to give other people ideas.

I've felt this way for as long as I can remember though. I remember as a child holding my breath to see how long it took to die, trying to drown myself, holding a pillow over my head to see if it suffocated me.

I suppose that's actually active ideation though. I'm not sure when it became passive.

I can't speak for other people who experience it, but it really is something that is with me all of the time. When a professional asks how often I think about suicide they won't accept that as an answer though. It's always there - at the back of my mind - in thinking every day thoughts "when I die ..." or "when I'm dead ..." is constantly mixed in there. 

I'm often thinking about how I'd want my funeral to be, too. I usually dismiss myself though, as I don't really believe anyone will want one. No one really has any interest in me when I'm alive, so I don't see why they would when I die.

I've made sure I won't cost anything by donating my body to research. I'm utterly useless in life, so hopefully I'll be useful in death. 

Well, I'm totally rambling. I think you get the idea.

Un mème!

Nourriture Pour La Pensée

Well, today's therapy session was certainly more productive than the last one. I wasn't quite as all over the place.

We talked mostly about my previous blog post titled "J'ai peur". Mr Therapist's impression is that it's probably sleep paralysis. He explained that sleep paralysis is whereby the body is still sleeping but the brain is waking or has woken up. The body waking and the mind waking are two separate functions. They usually happen in tandem, but sometimes slip up. 

People who experience sleep paralysis often see, feel, or hear things that would have been part of a dream. This reminded me that when I was 20 I experienced an episode of sleep paralysis in which there was a massive floating black cloud that pinned me to the bed and throttled me. I thought it was a demon. I now understand what actually happened.

It makes me sad though, that when I experience this, my first thought is that I'm in Solihull, followed quickly by the knowledge that I'm not, so trying to work out where I actually am. Why Solihull? Because I miss Mr Flibbles? Because I miss Rufus? Or Mitten. Tinker. Tigger. Because I miss the smell of oak woodland through the balcony doors in the autumn? Because I want to rewind time and change everything that's happened since... X marks the spot? I kind of feel like maybe I am actually asleep in Solihull, and all of this has been a dream. Or nightmare. How have I made such a bloody mess?

Anyways, the solution is that next time it happens I'm going to try and open my eyes instead of trying to work out where I am. If I can open them, it's less likely to be sleep paralysis.

However, I then remembered that it happens while I'm watching TV sometimes. So after a little discussion I pondered whether there may be two separate things happening. Mr Therapist said that what happens when I'm awake sounds like a very mild form of dissociation, but explained that dissociation doesn't necessarily indicate any kind of mental illness. Day dreaming is a form of dissociation.

I've never been able to day dream. I didn't really understand what it was. The likelihood is that I've been constantly on high alert, so have never really relaxed my mind enough to day dream. So, when I'm becoming so absorbed in the TV that my current narrative confuses me, it's probably that I'm starting to relax at last. Thinking about it, I've seen that happen to my dad. 

Mr Therapist has noticed that I seem to always be trying to find things wrong with myself. He didn't say "hypochondriac", but I think that's what he was hinting at. He's wondering whether that could be because of my step mother instilling in me that there was something wrong with me from a very young age, only never told me what it was, so I'm perpetually searching for it. So I guess when I'm having thoughts about illnesses, I need to consciously tell her to feck off.

It's fairly normal for people with M.E. to try and find alternative diagnoses. Being labelled with an illness that no one understands, and no one wants to treat, is a heavy, complicated, and unwanted burden. The answer is to make the most of life as it is, rather than hoping to change it. Much easier said than done though.

My mind!

A painting by Julia Spiri